An Eventful Day and a Transformation

So many Kaleos got a text from me today (if you didn't it doesn't mean I don't love you it means I don't have your phone number) to pray for me and my family. Thinks haven’t been the best since I've gotten back but today was the hardest and probably most eventful day since Kaleo Graduation, but let’s start from the begging and don't worry there is a happyish ending. Also I'm sorry about it is late and most of this is hard to get into words. Though some of this may be hard to read because my home life is complicated....

Before you start I love you all and I really need to start reading this blog, which I'll do tomorrow.

I'm sure many of you felt the same way but the moment I got hoe I pretty much felt spiritually alone, my mom is a believer but it really strange talking to her about Christ and one the first day home trying to affirm her to go further into her faith; well it didn't end too well. Than a week later my “brother” cat that likes to attack me got and of course, he started to threat suicide; the worst part is that I can't even tell if this a joke or not. By the grace of God we found the cat and diffused that situation.

Since then I've been trying to get a job to get money for Briercrest and have been unable to find anything and having no friends and nothing to have been very bored at home. However, I never see my Sobro (sister brother?) because he is always awake and different times and my mom is working super overtime because its tax time so I'm literally alone all the time. I try and help at my church and stuff but it’s just such a stale experience; I forgot how cold a church can be. Being in all this it didn't take long at all to just fall back into my old way of life again: depression, excluding myself, etc. In fact, on night I wondered if I should even bother going to Briercrest. What made this all the worse was that I felt that I was on to some big transformation at the end of Kaleo and now it was slipping through my hands and the best I tried I couldn't get it; if I even wanted it anymore. Which leads us to today

I finally got a call from someone (thank God) for a job interview. However, an argument broke out between my “brother” and my mom, and not the usually ones. Now you have to understand that my “brother” has boxes of stuff just laying around our small town house and kitty litter box in his room that almost never gets changed so it smells in this house and it’s a content source of tension; also it doesn't help my “brother” is out of a job and can't get one because a name change. I had to actually step in and pin my “brother” to the wall with my fore arm and rip my mom's hands off his throat (really unexpected). I really was ready to take him outside and beat him there though I was so angry. After a few hours of facilitating this discussion a horrible slow pace because my “brother” has the emotional maturity of a grade nine and the anger of, well, more than Stephen's rage mode, my mom called my “brother” a girl (truly by accident), however he raged harder than I've ever seen and of course all the work down the drain. After that it took a while to get him to come out of his room and of course a ton of shouting was involved. After that the discussion went all over the place; I was just trying to get them to talk to mend the relationship however I could. After a while though my “brother's” cat decided to attack me again. Now I got him really good, and yes I am bragging. I threw him in the corner, smothered him with my Kaleo hoodie and right before I drove my fist down into him (trust me I have four bleeding marks on my arm, it needed to be done) I got stopped by my “brother”. For some reason we all had a common “enemy” and then everything defused faster than I've ever seen it happen and really everything is OK again for now. However, these were the events; let me tell you the effect on me.

In the midst of feeling very alone spiritual I was trying to push this change I expressed at Mt. Washington, to stop being a hermit and start living in this world; give up the things that would keep me away from living a life fully for God. Throughout the last year God had showed what these things are in my life and he at this point exactly what they were and a taste of the life he had planned out for me but I couldn't leave my own comfort. I knew so well the life I have is death and let I wanted to cling to it. The enemy isn't trying to make me stray but to make me stay out of the game all together. However, My “brother” and me aren’t so different, we suffer from many of the same things but today it was as if I was seeing my sin personified and I knew I couldn't keep living like this if I want my life to count for anything in the kingdom. In the past few days I could feel myself moving toward this change again though but it was today that allowed it to be completed. I grew so much and learned so much at Kaleo but it took the pain of the world to learn something that I couldn't possible learn in the greenhouse. My brothers and sisters will come and go but only God will remain constant and so I did something Janet suggested to me and two of my friends at my church (Stephen Shultz and Jon Morrison) affirmed in my: don't hide behind your hair. In short, if I want to be taken seriously as an Anchor I can't keep looking like this and it has become something that was actually hindering my spiritual growth. So today, I got a haircut and it the single hardest thing I've had to do since saying good bye to you all. I felt like I was going to cry just walking into the hair dresser and it didn't help that my mom and the hair dresser went on and on about looking better; they had no idea how much of a spiritual act this was for me and I couldn’t explain but only cry out to God and wish I had someone’s hand to hold. The hair dresser even stopped me twice to ask if I was alright because I was crying (Even as I writing this I'm misting up). My mind kept going back to Jim talking about the God chiselling off parts of the marble to because what he wants it to be, and it was so hard but it needed to be done. It wasn't just a haircut but a baptism; dyeing to me; a real act of submission. My cover of safety was blown and this thing I used to find my identity in dead. So, from today May 3^rd 2011 I will be a real AIT (Anchor in Training) for God and live in this world because I saw the pain of sin and felt the need for the God and to be transformed in my life. And Hallelujah God has come through already, only an hour later I got a job as Subway, and I start tomorrow at 8 (I was running through the streets with joy). I wish you guys could have been there, I needed the support, but God will support you through all your trials and pains. Even if your flesh is torn (which I can testify to now) it is for good and do not fear. I can not really on you guys or on other believers but only on God so that when I am alone I can still be a light to the world. I love you guys but I need to find my strength from the Lord and not from man, only than can I can be like Jesus. It took the pain of the world and the split of the community to learn and surely I could have never learned this lesson had I still be in Kaleo (BTW I still love community though lol). This is the best I could contain my day in words, please pray for me and my family and tell me how I can pray for you.