Hey Y’all! (This is Bryan, as I dislike having to scroll to
the bottom in order to find out who wrote the post).
Well since everyone has decided
to give updates about what’s going I figured I might as well do the same. I
will warn you, this blog post will not be a happy one and will leave you with
questions that I cannot answer. Lets start with directly after Kaleo ended.
When Kaleo
ended I was on an absolute high for God and for life. Several of us had an
amazing week at Jim and Sarah’s house just a few weeks after everything ended.
That helped ease the void of being with everyone. After we went our separate
ways I came home and was able to get a job working for a landscaping. Honestly,
that was really tough as I was the only one the crew who spoke any English and
I came from a totally different aspect of life, but it was work. After two
months of that I was able to quit my job and start a new job on very same day.
It looked like God was looking out for me. Getting that job turned out to be a
live saver, as you’ll read later on.
As the
summer came to a close my faith waned, as I wasn’t seeing any answer to prayer
and in fact getting the opposite of what I needed. My prayer to God was for
real friendship with people and to not be so alone. When September hit I lost
every friend I ever had, and when I say every friend I mean everyone. I would
say that was the beginning of the decline into a deep depression. The only
person who kept some semblance of being a friend was my brother. By November I
was so tired emotionally and spiritually that my only saving grace was pouring
everything I was into my work. I can remember the day and where I said goodbye
to my faith. But I wasn’t so simple as just saying goodbye as by the time
November came I was committed to going to the Dominican Republic for a missions
trip with my church so I had to keep up appearances that I was this faithful Christian
person that I wasn’t. December came and went and work stopped due to the cold
weather.
Christmas came and went and in
two weeks after I was off to the Dominican Republic. I was expecting this grand
rekindling of Christianity and that I would come back a better Christian. But
the mission felt hollow, we weren’t needed there, we were just there for the
warm weather and to inflate our egos. I came back no better than before I left
and was looking towards and month and half of no work and no friends. In that
time I abused my mind with too much television and screens while abusing my
body going to the gym 5 or 6 times a week. My mood got worse, plunging me
deeper into a depression, and kept blaming God for my bad luck. At this time I
was still trying to attend church hoping things would get better, but they
didn’t. Eventually I stopped going altogether realizing it wasn’t getting any
better.
By the time I quit the church it
was nearing the end of February. Work had started again but I did little to improve
my look on life. Eventually my mind was constantly filled with thoughts of
suicide and death. Some days I would just go home, watch TV and wait for the
next day. There were several times I had decided to end it and was poised to do
so but back out a the last minute. Life had little meaning for me; I cared for
nothing and felt nothing but loneliness and a deep anger at everything. I wrote
on the blog often but every time I posted something I would delete it right
away calling myself weak.
So from February until now I have
slowly crawled out of this deep hole of a depression, hardening my heart to my
own feelings and to those around me. I wouldn’t say I am completely better but
I am doing better than before. I haven’t told anyone of my struggle simply because
I don’t want them to know I think I am weak for not being able to cope. So I
coped by myself hardening my heart away from everything. I don’t feel
happiness, sorrow or pretty much any emotion, just cold calculations on what
needs to be done. I live my life one week at a time with no future objective in
mind. Sometimes I wish I could die, a tragic car accident maybe, but know that
death is not in my immediate future. Right now in my life I don’t think, just
do. I throw every ounce of energy I have into my work and just trying to make
myself tired so that I don’t have the energy to even think in my free time.
So there you have it, my life
since Kaleo summed up into a couple of paragraphs. It doesn’t seem adequate but
it will suffice for now. I can’t really call myself a Christian anymore as I
don’t go to church and can’t stand to be around anything related to
Christianity as there is too much disappointment linked with it.
Thanks,
Bryan
