i should have wrote this before

Well a lot of you probably think i'm freezing my butt off in the prairies, but I'm not. These months at home have been all over the place. I've applied and withdrawn from two schools. I just have no idea what to do with my life. This will be quick. I decided to go to Briercrest and I was all ready to leave, but those plans have changed. I realize it was a rash, quick decision to go there. My reasoning was to have good community and I had connections there with courses and friends so I guess I thought it would be a quick fix to these lonely months at home. Anyways, when I was talking to Tim Stabell on the phone I just felt in my heart that it wasn't the right fit. All of a sudden I felt that it wasn't it. So I thought about it a little longer and decided it was best if I didn't go anywhere in January. I want to be out of the place I'm in, but it will have to wait a little longer. I think I know what kind of field I'm going go in. It wasn't offered at briercrest and I didn't want to go and start again if it didn't work out you know. But I'm going go for a child life specialist. Its where you work in a children's hospital and help children cope with illnesses they have. By showing them what is going on and talking to them about it. It will also deal with the parents and to inform them whats going on too. It will be more school but I think it will be worth it. Pray that where I will be in the next while will be a greenhouse for me. But yeah this post is to let you know that I won't be at Briercrest. Sorry for getting any ones hopes up! I want to come visit maybe. I vote we have a reunion at Mt washington.

Yes I got another tattoo

This will be all over the place because I haven't even had time to think about what's been going on with me but bear with me. Well I actually forgot about our blog I've been so busy. I thought I would update all of you on my life. After a long and difficult summer at camp, I moved to Fernie and have been living with my room mates Tyler and Patrick. I worked at Canadian tire for about 6 days and quit...surprise! I now work at the Ski Hill as a liftie and recently got a new job working 3 nights a week at a coffee shop. It has been very difficult this year for me. I have screwed up so much which was unenviable. It's hard being in a town where all people ever do is go to bars drinking. I've been caught up in that a couple times but have been pretty good about it lately. I just get so confused and feel so judged because my Christian group of friends because lots of my them go out drinking all the time. When im with them they are happy with me and think im alright. But when I go out with my non christian friends they think something is totally wrong and give me judging eyes. None of my friends at the hill know I'm Christian because I don't want to give Christians a bad name.

Since I've been screwing up a lot these past few months, I have just gotten so down and cant seem to get out of this depression and can't stop beating myself up for it. I stopped taking my depression meds in Kaleo and think I should start them up again. Everyone keeps telling me im "Living the dream" I get to snowboard everyday at work and live 15 min from the hill. I get 3 days off a week and I went to Hawaii for Christmas and I have great friends. Although all of these things are awesome, I don't feel awesome. I feel like a complete loser and sleaze bag. I cant seem to hold on to relationships of any kind without screwing something up. I'm such a mess and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I have people I can talk to but I can't be bothered to approach them and when they ask me how they can help me, I have no idea how they can help me. It would be nice to have someone just genuinely ask how I'm doing and see that they really do care, but everyone is always so busy.

I dont want to be around anything to do with Christian Community. I spend a lot of time with Jesus on my own, but can't stand it when other people are around. I don't like my church and couldn't be bothered to pay attention any more. I have basically just stopped going. I have the chance to go to Bible studies but turn down any offer. I think I'm just frustrated but I don't know with what.

As of my plans for next year, I have a lot of Ideas. My parents dont want me to do YWAM in NZ. I understand their reasoning behind not wanting me to go away again. I have to raise all the money myself which is fine. I cant seem to get much money saved up for ywam though and have to decide between going to school for Fine Arts in Calgary or hope that i will get enough money before june 24th. I know God can do big things but I just feel like either option would be the right choice. Im getting no direction right now.

There is much more going on but that is all i can be bothered to write for today because I'm sick. Im back at home in Calgary to escape and get rest.

I love you all dearly and hope to hear from you all soon.

Beloved Jordana

SINGLE 4 LYFFE.

I wasn't gunna post cause I usually only post when I'm sad but I figured I would let you all know that I'm dating someone...

It is the night before I leave for the Dominican Republic with a team from my church and I wonder why I can't sleep. Some of you may recall well over a year when I first expressed interest in undertaking this trip. I leave tomorrow (or today I guess) and I wish I wasn't going. Life these past couple of months have been rough, actually a better way to put would be that it has been hell. If I hadn't vocalized such interest in the missions trip from when it was first put forward I would not be going. So here I am feeling inadequate to go, not wanting to go and with no one to talk to except for the air around me (literally). I am curious as to why it is that whenever I write on the blog I always seem to have a negative attitude? Trust me there has been many times where I have written but never published. I'm rambling and probably not making much sense but I guess that's ok because I just needed to get something out.

- Bryan

Welcome to 2012!

Happy New year everyone! I just thought I would say how much I love and miss you guys. My New Years was spent with Meghan, Sarah, Anna W. and Brettski! It was such a blessing to be reunited with them and to reminiss about the times we hated Kaleo and laugh about them now. I'm going to admit we gossiped about everyone a lot but I believe its more like "Godsip" because its really encouraging to hear about what some of you are all up to and how most of you are all doing. I just wanted to take a moment and ask Christine to get on here and give us a bit of an update on her life cause I want to hear about this boy! Honestly it was the best New Years I've had in a long time and it was exacally the kind of hang out/ catching up sesh I needed to start the year off right. Just so you all know I am praying for ya'll and miss you dearly.

P.s. Jim I can't wait to read your new book.
P.P.s. I am going to write a book too its in the begining stages.

MUCH LOVE + MANY BLESSINGS,
Mary