Hmm.. I've never posted on here before. This is fun. I'm sitting at Jim's house with Anna W, Heidi, Erik, Bryan, Holly, Sarah, Lauren, Claire (K7), Jim and Sarah. Last night we had visits from Bret and Mary and tomorrow Kristine is coming up. I'm excited to see a bunch of you tonight on skype too!
There's nothing particularly relevant for me to blog about.. Just wanted to try it out mostly. I've had an interesting and busy week. The only day I didn't work was Tuesday - and I spent almost the entire day trying to figure out with police and insurance and repair shops how to fix my car that was broken into. I felt a certain freedom with being home, though. Kind like I have life while I'm there (Vivacious! haha). But also noticing the positive change in myself, just in the way I handle myself with interactions and daily problems.
I was wondering whether I should say this or not but I will: Since coming back to Crofton here, I've felt suddenly burdened down again, with lies and darkness creeping in, festering. It's rather weird. I think I'm gonna go home this afternoon. I love these people a lot, but I need to get out.
I think part of it is that, here (and some other places), you feel love primarily (if not only) when you are hurting. I was very much a 'patient' at Kaleo (one of the many things I really didn't like about it). I felt like I was loved because I was hurting. And yes, I still struggle. But since being home I have been very okay. I really like being okay. However, right now I feel like I suddenly need to not be okay. It's an urge from within to destroy myself somehow. Maybe I'm just used to being in a dark place. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Probably both.
I apologize if none of that made sense to you. It doesn't really to me, either. Regardless, I have had an incredible past week. I love you guys so much, but feel rather guilty that I haven't been missing any of you very much. Probably just haven't had time to miss you. It'll come, I'm sure.
On another quick note, I know it's nothing huge, but if you want to pray for me, please pray I will be less stressed about money. I do have a job, and I know most of you don't, so I shouldn't be complaining at all. But this past week has cost me 700 bucks and my cars gonna need another 450-500 of repairs within the next couple days. I figure I'm just gonna park it and bike everywhere for the summer. But yeah, the only tension within my family this past week has been caused by me and my stressing over finances. I really just need to relax, be smart about it but trust for the Lord's provision.
The abundance of posts on here lately makes me smile. I've been praying for you all that have written or I've spoken to and would love to talk to more of you (skype or phone) when ever you feel like it! If you're bored or sad or excited, and it's the evening, text me up!
Love,
Meghan
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