B-crest Update

I would like to say that Lynnea is probably the best girl ever! She is so kind, hospitable, and is practically a genius. That is all. Oh ya, I like wearing make-up too which you will be able to see from my new facebook photos.

hello my dear ones.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in ancaster away from my school because I'm a fool and I make mistakes and I'm ashamed to be there right now.

Redeemer is one of the best choices I've ever made, apart from Kaleo. Its a safe place with rules and stuff but not enough to make you feel like you're in prison. Thats what I like about it. This past month or so going to school there has been great. I've had solid conversations and I've met incredible people.

Yesterday was a rough day though. I cut in half my antidepressant dose a week and a bit ago on my doctor's advice. I really thought that I was fine but yesterday I was a mess. I was mad at everyone and then I went for a walk and cried by myself on a saturday night (super lame). I hadn't cried in ages (apart for when jim came to visit... I cried like a baby when he left). My antidepressants kind of make me unable to cry... It drives me crazy. So when I cry its usually a big deal. So I was grumpy and angry and in tears and I decided to go get a piercing. When I came back I was still feeling awful. I literally walked through a ditch and cried for like an hour until my friend came and found me... Then I went home and thought it would be a great idea to drink my troubles away. I have no idea how much I drank but it was a lot. I don't remember the rest of the night except for a few moments at some party and then puking in a bucket at my house. Redeemer is a dry campus and so now I have to pay a 100 dollar fine. I'm embarrassed and I feel like a fool. My house mates don't know anything about my life because they all have a really fluffy outlook on life and I feel like they wouldn't understand anything. There is no way I can tell them that I put makeup on my arm everyday to hide the fact that I carved the word fat into my skin. I can't tell them that I don't know how to feed myself. I can't tell them that I'm dizzy and tired all the time cause I don't know how to eat. I can't tell them that I have no self respect and I don't value myself whatsoever. I can't tell them that I'm on antidepressants and that me drinking last night wasn't just me being a stupid teenager but really it was all I could do cause I had no one to go to. I can't tell them that I don't like living with them and that I feel judged 24/7. I can't tell them that I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop crying and writing my feelings on a blog that I'm not sure anybody even reads.

I'm sorry that this post makes no sense. I'm sorry I'm a mess. I don't even know what I wanted to accomplish by writing this...

I guess I just want to say how grateful I am for the year we had together. A year of grace.

grace is what I need right now. and prayer and love and support.

The Mothership

Hey Everyone! It's everybody's possibly favorite friend named Logan! Just figured I'd let everyone know how life is going at b-crest here. It's going well. That's all.

No, in actuallity it is going really great though. All of us here have been staying in better contact than I had expected, and the past Kaleo's have also made an effort to get to know us, which is sweet. We've all been doing different things while here, Erik, Heidi, and I have been playing some ultimate frisbee, Meghan's been doing lotsa basketball, Lynnea is on RU (Refined Undignified, a sweet dance team), and Michael joined the Briercrest skydiving team! I made the last one up, but that would be sweet. If you'd like to find out more, then talk to them! I'm gonna continue on about myself.

I've been taking some really good courses this semester, such as History of Christianity, English (it's alright), Foundations of Youth Min, Intro to Greek (Really good, but it may be the death of me, there's so much to learn!)(I can probably read your arm now Bret), and last is Pauline Epistles, a really great course. I've been learning and trying to apply lots of stuff to my life while I've been here, though it's really not easy. I've been realizing how important is to bear good fruit, as well as the importance of community here. I have been feeling myself going through bouts of remembering the purpose that I have here, but with discipline this is something that can be worked through.

Last of all I want to thank you all for everything that you guys taught me last year about myself and God. It was by no means a perfect year, but I often see it as the best year of my life. I miss you and am very grateful for the people that all of you are.

Your brother,
Logan

Frands, update on saraii

To update you all on my life. I finished a summer at Qwanoes and a season where different foreigners where staying at my house for weeks following this and I found myself tired of people and faking it all. I just needed rest after Kaleo and everything! Ahhh!

Now, the Aussies and Kiwis are gone and I am starting to be obsessed with going to the gym and health and got a job at HMV. My first shift is today. I honestly wish I was back in school studying the bible and changing the world and studying cultures but I am stuck and I hate here, I got this job but don't know how because I never keep up with the media. I hope I can make a difference there.

I was praying for direction right after summer because so often I considering leaving and traveling this year and I heard "one year" in my heart. I am thinking that my family needs me, especially my younger twin brothers who both have girlfriends(pray for their purity) for this year, I need your prayers to stick this one out. You all know how much of a flake I am.

I am so done with life at times, and I don't know why God has kept me alive for this long.

Mostly, I am dreading this year but pray that I find myself delighting in the Lord and this season of work I have to do. I am now starting to work with Youth For Christ spending time with homeless youth in my city on Wednesday nights- this is the only thing I look forward to within my week. Pray that God uses me there.

I am so envious of people who go to TWU and there parents pay for everything... I wish I wish I wish :(

My church is nice, I considered becoming a youth leader but found my heart wasn't in it for the girls who are so immersed in culture as well as I didn't have enough time with work, I need a group of Christians that are devoted to the Lord. My brother and his wife are pretty devoted to being with my sister(which is great!) so I don't have them most of the time. Please pray that I find Christian community, I am so tired of doing this alone. Pray that I have grace with my sister who I am thinking is very legalistic and still finding her way in her faith, she tends to hurt my feelings a lot.

Kaleo's I miss you all and pray that you are falling deeper in love with God, even if it is through hardship like me.

I wish I was serving the widows, poor, oppressed, healing the blind in India or Africa, my heart hurts for being overseas with the church that is not lukewarm but rather dying for their faith but I am here and am blessed with a big pretty house now(i am unworthy) and striving for desperation for Jesus.

JUST LOVE ME!!(prayers puleaase)

I love you all, family!

one year later...

It's been a year; how crazy is that? It boggles my mind to think that a year ago today, 26 of us descended upon camp to begin an intense journey that none of us were really prepared for. Along the way, we became a group of 21, yet God made that good. It was a good year. Maybe not good in the way we expected but good because God made it good.

So where are you now? I want to know!

I'll start us off: I'm currently sitting in the Student Union Building (SUB) at UBC Vancouver. I am still living in Surrey, so I'm commuting an hour and a half each way (sometimes longer, sometimes shorter; today was about an hour forty). However, I love UBC. I love being in university, I love the size, I just love the vibe here. I'll probably move onto campus next year though cause four years of the commute seems a little ridiculous to me.

I'm also working at Starbucks as a barista, a job which I have wanted since I was 16. Now I'm realizing it isn't as cool as I thought, but I still love that as well. It's definitely a learning curve, but not one I can't handle. Honestly, learning Starbucks drinks is harder than school right now!

I'm youth leading at my church for grade 9 girls. I am one of two leaders for this age group and my co-leader is such a great person. I've known her for a while but now I have the chance to know her better which I'm stoked on! As well, I have plugged into a Bible study here at home which a lot of the youth leaders go to and I love it. There is a solid community there.

So yeah, that's pretty much life right now. I was scared coming into the fall because my closest friend moved away but I am strengthening other friendships and have a sweet cell phone plan so I can talk to my bestie anytime I want! All in all, I think this year will be grand!

Love you all. Miss you all.

Holly

Hola Amigos!

Hello my fam-jam!

I know I update a lot but you know what? I really don't care. So I have made my way to B-crest, and I was accepted into the TESOL program but.... I just felt so unsettled about it, even to the point of crying. So I talked to my program head so he suggested Global Studies to me, which is similar but a more wide array of different ministry opportunities (TESOL is very focused). And guess who my program head is meow. Tim Stabell! So I am quick happy and feel so at peace about it. It has been crazy trying to figure out classes but I is kind of crazy sometimes when you trust in the Lord I guess, haha.

I other news, I made the Briercrest Refined/Undignified team (the dance crew)! It all happened so suddenly to be honest. I am really excited for the ministry opportunity but yet nervous. The RU team reminds me a lot of Kaleo. It is a family-like community, we are supposed to be transparent with each other, support one another and do ministry together. I also think it will be challenging like Kaleo (maybe even more) and to be honest, the leader, Adrian reminds me of Jim a little! As much as I love Kaleo, I don't know if I could do another year of Kaleo. So I am scared in that aspect. So please be praying for me. We practice for 12 hours a week and are gone 4-6 weekends per semester. Also, if you would like to be an 'official' prayer partner for me, give me a heads up and your email so I can add you to the list.

Love you! And I would adore if I heard from you guys!

Lynnea

pray?

For the first time in a very long time I don't have the "one" person in my life to go to and vent and cry and always share my life's frustrations and joys with. I think this partly may be because I have been slowly needing less pouring into and am doing more of the pouring in. Or maybe I do have someone and just don't feel okay with going to that person. Regardless, I am struggling right now. So I'm gonna share here with you guys.


Because it's practical stuff, not so much psychological and all that, I would usually call my Dad or Mom in a situation like this and be like heeey, this is the situation, what do you suggest I do to fix it? The problem with that this time is I know their answer - quit. Quit basketball. Quit the TESOL program. And either come home or go into an easier program and don't play sports. I reeeeally don't want to quit. I'll tell you why in a minute.


Okay, here's the situation: I'm sick and fading, but I think it's partly, if not mostly, due to psychological stress. I've woken up every morning here in the wonderful land of Caronport feeling extremely nauseous. I have little to no appetite at all times. I've thrown up enough times. For the last two days I've had waves of nausea followed by waves of intense headache followed by a period of feeling completely fine. And this cycle has repeated constantly, beginning when I wake up in the morning. And class has been 8:30-5 every day, followed by homework and assignments, followed by making of meals and dishes, followed by 8-10 basketball practice. Typical, easy day, right? Maybe I'm just weaker than the rest of the human population. I'm still spending a very good chunk of my days in prayer and reading the Word. I've screamed out in frustration, had anxiety attacks/hyperventilation, passed out once - though I think that was mostly from physical exertion in practice. The headaches destroy me the most.


But I was called here. I know it. I KNOW I'm supposed to be here. And I KNOW I'm supposed to be playing ball. And I know that it is impossible on my own strength. I know I need to trust and rely on the powerful One and stop worrying and leave it up to his perfect plan and will. And I'M TRYING. But all that's seeming to result is me being an absolute tool in my daily interactions, almost seeking attention or something (I do desperately need it, but instead should rest in the truth of being covered in the LORD's love). And then worrying more about not being in shape, not being good enough, not making good impressions, not being present at any of my team's bonding activities this week, not using my food before it goes bad, not getting incredible marks in this class, not pouring into people, not being there for people at home...





Please pray for me. Or something. I know there are ten thousand (million) people out there that are in worse struggles than this. And most if not all of you definitely are going through worse. But I'm not sure what else to do or ask for. And I'm not sure what to do differently. I'm trying to learn what I'm supposed to learn from this. I'm trying to physically take care of myself. I'm trying not to give up. But giving up is basically second nature for me, if not first nature (not to ruin the expression). First it's basketball. Then it's school. Then it's relationships. Then it's God. Then it's life. I don't want to go down that path.

I Had Time For A Blog Post

Well this summer has been a very long one. I have had no time to do anything and anytime I have off I rush away from camp. I really have been enjoying working here, though im getting tired of being in the same place for a year. It is so sweet to teach all these kids to do what I love. They are all so stoked once they try everything and it is totally worth it to see their smiles.

It is the final week of camp and I look forward to going home. This summer I have learned so far, to rely on God's strength. I feel like I have not had an impact on kids because I am only there for activities. I know I must have an impact on them, but its just tough for me not to see any of the impact I have made. I`m going to be doing a devotion in one of the cabins this week for youth camp. Im stoked, but also a bit nervous because I haven`t really told my story to random kids before. I hope to speak into their lives and hope they are open and interested to hear what God has done in my life. If you could pray for me to have wisdom and an impact that would be awesome.

I feel like I have been distracted this summer by so much. Pray that this last week will be groundbreaking for me. I expect great things to happen. I long for God but I dont feel on fire anymore and I just feel so drained. It doesnt help that im sick right now. but thats no excuse. Please pray for energy and Joy.

I have so much to talk about and tell, but hardly any time too. I hope once I get home, and after I find rest, I'll be able to reflect on everything that has happened this year. I haven't even reflected on Kaleo. I love you guys a ton and I apologize for never being around.

Jojo

Life..

Life really has a way of thrusting us on to paths we would never choose or even consider.

As a lot of you know, I had a bit of a hard transition back home after Kaleo. The beloved and gracious Jim and Sarah Badke opened their home for me to come and rest and start figure out where to take my next steps. I did a lot of things i’m not proud of. I hurt a lot of people, myself included. I was so deeply stuck in things that I didn’t even know how to begin to make better choices. But I knew there needed to be change, and I could not continue down the road I was on. So I applied for a program called Mercy Ministries in Surrey, BC. It’s a 6 month program for women age 19-27 to come and learn how to be set free from different things, and begin to live in the life that God intended. I heard about this program years ago, and when things would get bad I always thought about contacting them, but never seriously followed through with anything. But this time, I really had no idea where to go. I knew I needed to change, and I wanted change so badly, but I just couldn’t figure out how.

The application process is long. I started applying in the beginning of may, and didn’t even get accepted until July. Once you get accepted they put you on a wait list, and just pray and wait on the Lord’s timing for you to come. I went through the whole spectrum of being angry and impatient with the waiting and the uncertainty, to being relieved that I hadn’t heard from them. I was getting ready to build a life again in Victoria, and just starting to get a better grip on things. I applied for some jobs and stuff, but then a couple of days ago...Mercy called.

It’s really humbling to have all of this happening. This isn’t how I planned to spend my next year. This isn’t my first choice, but I’m starting to see that it is probably the right one.

You should look it up if you want to see more about Mercy. (www.mercyministries.ca).

It’s all happening so fast. I’m leaving on wednesday night, and I have no idea what to expect or how to feel. While i’m there I won’t have my cell phone, or internet at all, so no texting, facebook or email. I can get phone calls on saturdays. (604-535-1983). I’m kind of confused because on one form it said people can call from 1:30 to 5:30, and on another is said from 10 to 6.. I’m not really sure, so just call and i’m sure we’ll figure it out! AND I can send and get letters all the time!

Mercy Ministries of Canada
19465 16th Ave
Surrey, BC
V3S 9V2.

I would LOVE to hear from you!! And I need to know your new address for this year so I can send you letters too! So send mail! Woooo!

It’s going to be a tough transition, and I know it’s going to be really lonely at first not knowing anyone, and not being able to call or text whenever I want. And there’s some pretty strict and crazy rules, so it’s going to be tough to learn how to submit. I know that this is a good place, and it’s good for me to go, but honestly, i’m really afraid.

So i would really appreciate prayer.

Love you guys with all my heart!

change of plans

dear family;

i know i have been fairly silent these past months. i haven't been seeing or talking to much of anybody. i am sorry if anyone has felt hurt or ignored by my actions; i know that some of you have e-mailed or tried to contact me and i have either taken eons to respond or haven't responded at all. it has just been a very difficult summer and it's hard to know what to say.

i guess first things first: i am no longer going to briercrest. i was denied my loan about a month ago and it was truly like being punched in the face. i had this stupid, cocky assurance that i would be there, no matter what, because "it was what god wanted." what do i know? my parents' income is far too much for the government to even consider loaning me ten thousand dollars. i had my period of mourning. i cried for a week, i didn't talk to anybody. my dad went behind my back and signed me up for classes at uvic, although i had expressed less than no interest in going there. i was offered a scholarship to pay for my first year though, and it killed my dad to see me pass that up. when i told him i hadn't gotten my loan, he told me it was good he has signed me up for classes at uvic then. "what???" i said. i had no idea he had secretly done this. is it just me or were his actions a bit strange and manipulative? anyway i changed my courses because he had signed me up for stuff he wanted me to take (history of WWII, intro to economics, etc). i'll be taking four classes, and chose some pretty cool ones. i'll also be working four shifts a week at the coffee shop in order to go away come next fall. unfortunately my scholarship from briercrest cannot be deferred and i had to forfeit it. we'll see if i can get it come next year.

i'm going to be jumping around a bit, so bear with me. here comes my rant on my current existential crisis.

it is very easy to live as if god does not exist. in little to no time (one week?), you actually start to believe that he doesn't. it seems plausible that god is a whimsical notion sad people invented to feel better. when you don't hear god's "voice," when you forget how to pray, when your christian friends are the ones who have hurt you most, this life seems a lot less appealing. i have tried for so long to do this life right, to read the word, to talk to the lord, to do his work. i am tired. i still don't know who he is. what's worse, sometimes i don't care. but, interestingly, i am the most unhappy i have ever been in my entire life. this is partly existential crisis, partly legitimate health reasons, on which i will soon elaborate. but the point is: why do we even try to do "good," when all the "good" we do is arguably always inherently selfish? why do we bother to do the things we don't want to do but do anyway because we know they are "right"? because if we don't, we'll probably feel worse about ourselves. right? because we'll know we failed, or "disobeyed," or whatever you want to call it. so what's the point? here we all are waltzing around life like we aren't really selfish, like this good-doing is so easy for us. but do we only do good because we are selfish? i'm starting to think so. i don't understand it. it makes me angry to see people doing good because i automatically assume it's for their own selfish gain. pretty sick of me, i know. everything around me i see is negative. i have these terrible lenses by which i view the world. i feel like a nihilist, like i've finally given up, because nothing has a point anyway.

so that's that.

i think a lot of this terrible frame of mind has been a result of the chronic pain i have been in for the past four months. starting the week before we left for india, i started having constant nausea. i didn't understand it; i assumed i was just nervous about the trip or something. i found it very hard to eat. when we landed in india was when relief finally came. it was very strange. however, upon return to camp, it happened again. i was feeling constantly so so so physically ill. again, i assumed i was anxious about leaving kaleo, or nervous about leading worship at grad, or just sad. i don't know. the point is, it never went away.

in addition to the chronic nausea, i have been having mild, though steady, internal bleeding, along with insomnia. i am constantly anxious and paranoid about all sorts of things. peace only comes when i take enough sleeping pills to knock me out, but because of this i wake up most mornings feeling hung over. i have been in and out of doctors, and tested for all sorts of diseases and allergies. we have discovered that i have some new allergies (sugar, wheat, dairy, yeast, grapes, cantaloupe), which has been somewhat helpful, but regardless of what i eat i am still in a lot of abdominal pain. one thing the doctors discovered is that i have really intense acid reflux which has eroded the lining on my stomach, so no matter what i put in it, it becomes irritated. i am on prescription medication for that, and a lot of vitamins and a strict diet for everything else. but still there is no relief. my body is always so tense, i am afraid to eat, i am afraid to fall asleep. i wake up with my jaw clenched so tight and my body in knots. i've been grinding my teeth and they're starting to change shape. i wake up nauseous and cannot eat before i go to work. i'm exhausted all day and then starving by four in the afternoon, but i'm too scared to eat much because i'd rather be hungry than nauseous again.

and so is the cycle of my days.

in addition to this, i have been diagnosed with moderate depression, and have been put on medication for that as well. my doctor thinks that my constant anxiety, paranoia, loneliness and self-disgust is clinical. i think it is too. my doctor asked me if i remembered the last time i felt joy. i thought hard and i couldn't remember. it was before kaleo ended. i think it may have been grad day. i walk around with this weight in my chest, this sadness i can't shake, this constant feeling that my presence is a burden to anyone and everyone, so i shut myself out. most mornings i wake up and cry. i don't know why anymore, i can't explain it. the things i used to love are a nuisance to me now; music, reading, seeing friends. it's so hard to wake up in the morning. my good days are when i feel apathy as opposed to despair, and hunger instead of pain. the medication will take at least another month to kick in, so i have a while to go yet.

to manage the pain i had been smoking marijuana nearly daily. it numbed the nausea and made the day pass by quicker. however, as it is a depressant, my doctor told me i had to stop because in the long run it will make me feel worse. this is hard for me - i have to choose between feeling physically ill (when not smoking) and mentally ill (when smoking - whenever i come down from a high, it is true that i am sadder than i was before). still i think i would rather be sadder and in no physical pain than sad and in physical pain. the marijuana got rid of at least some of what i was feeling. in recent weeks i have quit though.

i need intercession right now. i don't want to give up on the truth. i am just at a loss as to how to beg god for relief anymore. i have spent months begging.

i want to be the woman people have told me they know i can be. a strong leader, a spiritual leader. someone who knows how to love, someone who knows how to lay down her life and offer it for the joy of others. someone who loves god so, so much. but the reality is that i am blinded by my own selfishness and pain and i am too weak to even be able to imagine i have any potential at all. i so badly want to know how to love people well. but i just don't. and i don't know who god is, i am so confused regarding his existence, his reality seems too good to be true. it does seem made up. it's so hard to see him when you are just in pain, in every sense of the word, all the time.

both my doctor and i think that most of my chronic pain is emotional and caused by anxiety, stress, and depression. i need to learn how to heal the anxieties in my brain, alleviate the weight of the sadness in my body. i don't remember what makes me happy anymore, though. so i don't know how to go about this.

i don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore, but i don't know who to talk to, and it gives me some comfort to think that maybe someone is reading this and knows.

all i can really ask for is prayer.

to the briercrest crew - take full advantage of what is going to be available to you this year. the people, the opportunities, the resources. you are so, so lucky. and you all deserve this chance.

to everyone else - i think of you all the time. although i do not miss kaleo (it was such a hard year, i doubt anyone really misses it), i miss your presence. i miss working alongside one another for something far beyond us.

please pray.

love,

b