I'm sitting in a coffee shop in ancaster away from my school because I'm a fool and I make mistakes and I'm ashamed to be there right now.
Redeemer is one of the best choices I've ever made, apart from Kaleo. Its a safe place with rules and stuff but not enough to make you feel like you're in prison. Thats what I like about it. This past month or so going to school there has been great. I've had solid conversations and I've met incredible people.
Yesterday was a rough day though. I cut in half my antidepressant dose a week and a bit ago on my doctor's advice. I really thought that I was fine but yesterday I was a mess. I was mad at everyone and then I went for a walk and cried by myself on a saturday night (super lame). I hadn't cried in ages (apart for when jim came to visit... I cried like a baby when he left). My antidepressants kind of make me unable to cry... It drives me crazy. So when I cry its usually a big deal. So I was grumpy and angry and in tears and I decided to go get a piercing. When I came back I was still feeling awful. I literally walked through a ditch and cried for like an hour until my friend came and found me... Then I went home and thought it would be a great idea to drink my troubles away. I have no idea how much I drank but it was a lot. I don't remember the rest of the night except for a few moments at some party and then puking in a bucket at my house. Redeemer is a dry campus and so now I have to pay a 100 dollar fine. I'm embarrassed and I feel like a fool. My house mates don't know anything about my life because they all have a really fluffy outlook on life and I feel like they wouldn't understand anything. There is no way I can tell them that I put makeup on my arm everyday to hide the fact that I carved the word fat into my skin. I can't tell them that I don't know how to feed myself. I can't tell them that I'm dizzy and tired all the time cause I don't know how to eat. I can't tell them that I have no self respect and I don't value myself whatsoever. I can't tell them that I'm on antidepressants and that me drinking last night wasn't just me being a stupid teenager but really it was all I could do cause I had no one to go to. I can't tell them that I don't like living with them and that I feel judged 24/7. I can't tell them that I'm currently sitting in a coffee shop crying and writing my feelings on a blog that I'm not sure anybody even reads.
I'm sorry that this post makes no sense. I'm sorry I'm a mess. I don't even know what I wanted to accomplish by writing this...
I guess I just want to say how grateful I am for the year we had together. A year of grace.
grace is what I need right now. and prayer and love and support.
6 comments:
Anna, I am glad that you're at redeemer too. Sometimes my thoughts wander and I wish that we were all together in our little Kaleo community again, where everyone knew each other and understood what everyone was going through. Also, I am grateful for getting to see what that was like, and being able to model it for others as well. I really would like for you to find someone, a friend or councellor or teacher that you can talk to and trust for patient listening and sound advise.
Anna, You may have slipped, but don't give Satan the upper hand here. You have grown so much through this past year, and dwelling on this mistake will only give him the chance to push you right back in. I realize I don't understand everything you're feeling right now, but I hope you do come to recognize within these next few years what a precious and increadible lady you are especially to your friends and especially in God. I'm not sure if you understand what it is to find your value in God, but I hope that this is something that you try to learn. Here may be a place to start: Phil 4:8-9 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. What you have learned and recieved and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Lord, we pray that you take Anna from this place of frusteration and sadness and restore her. God we thank you for this sister of ours and the oppertunity we have had to love and be loved by her, through both the easy and the tough times. Please bless her, and teach her to earnestly seek after you and find her worth in you. You gave your only Son for her, let her realize how much that shows she means to you. We pray all of this in the precious name of our Saviour, amen.
Anna.
I have to say I am also glad you are at redeemer, and I am thankful for the good things you have experienced there thus far. You may have made a mistake, but I know that you of all people can push through this. You are not defined by the mistakes you make Anna, you are so much more than that. There are so many more pieces of the puzzle that make up Anna, and they outshine any foolish thing you could possibly do. Don't you ever forget that.
The "year of grace" may be over, but the grace itself hasn't ended, nor will it ever. I am so thankful that you posted this, whether you knew what you wanted to accomplish or not. It means a lot that you came here with your struggles. I know I can speak on behalf of others when I say that there is so much combined love for you and that we will support you through thick and thin. You are in my prayers my friend, and I leave you this verse to remind you of the grace that continues to this day and how you are a vessel of God, forever and always.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "But (the Lord) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
What great brothers God has given you, Anna!
I would love to talk with you. Tomorrow (Monday) would work, or after Wednesday I could Skype (but not text or call as we will be in te US.
I have learned some things recently that may help.
We love you - you know that, don't you? We weep with you for your lost squirmishes, but we already know who wins this war, and you are on the winning side.
I hope we can talk soon - to listen, but I also have lots to tell you. Don't give up! You have so much to look forward to, if you could imagine it, which you can try to do but it is even better than that.
Talk with you soon!
Anna, my best memories of you in Kaleo was when you really started to open up and be honest with us. I'm sure your house mates would feel the same too, even if it's just one or two. Honesty is one of the hardest things to live by, and not a lot of people do, but it can take huge burdens off your chest.
I hope you start feeling better, I miss you.
Anna bear, I love you. It breaks my heart that you feel as though you have no one to turn to in all of this. Yes, you slipped up, but we serve a God of second (and third and fourth and fifth and infinity) chances and He extends His grace to you daily.
You, my dear, are beautiful. You are special. You are precious. You are a delight. Your Father delights in you with singing. You are worthy of love.
The lies that you have been told by the enemy are just that, lies. There is truth being spoken in these comments and just as you prayed for me last year, so I will pray for you. That God may work in your heart so that you are able to receive this love.
John 16:33 says "In this world we will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." These hurts, these pains, this despair has been overcome by the blood of the Lamb. We will see victory, Anna. It will come.
I have to echo these brothers. You are loved! Keep writing to us. Keep letting us know what's going on. We are your family, and we will rally around you always.
Father, be with Anna. Let her feel your grace and love for her to a point that she cannot help but walk in it. God, let her be a light. Let these weaknesses display your glory and power, God. Draw her near to you. May she discover your father's heart of love for her and may she be sheltered by your arms. God, you are so good and I thank you for the way that she has opened up to us. Father, provide her with people that she can turn to when it gets hard; provide her with true community, God. Thank you that you are with her always. Thank you that you have blessed us with her. We love her. And you love her all the more. Father, you are so good. In the precious and powerful name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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