one year later...

It's been a year; how crazy is that? It boggles my mind to think that a year ago today, 26 of us descended upon camp to begin an intense journey that none of us were really prepared for. Along the way, we became a group of 21, yet God made that good. It was a good year. Maybe not good in the way we expected but good because God made it good.

So where are you now? I want to know!

I'll start us off: I'm currently sitting in the Student Union Building (SUB) at UBC Vancouver. I am still living in Surrey, so I'm commuting an hour and a half each way (sometimes longer, sometimes shorter; today was about an hour forty). However, I love UBC. I love being in university, I love the size, I just love the vibe here. I'll probably move onto campus next year though cause four years of the commute seems a little ridiculous to me.

I'm also working at Starbucks as a barista, a job which I have wanted since I was 16. Now I'm realizing it isn't as cool as I thought, but I still love that as well. It's definitely a learning curve, but not one I can't handle. Honestly, learning Starbucks drinks is harder than school right now!

I'm youth leading at my church for grade 9 girls. I am one of two leaders for this age group and my co-leader is such a great person. I've known her for a while but now I have the chance to know her better which I'm stoked on! As well, I have plugged into a Bible study here at home which a lot of the youth leaders go to and I love it. There is a solid community there.

So yeah, that's pretty much life right now. I was scared coming into the fall because my closest friend moved away but I am strengthening other friendships and have a sweet cell phone plan so I can talk to my bestie anytime I want! All in all, I think this year will be grand!

Love you all. Miss you all.

Holly

Hola Amigos!

Hello my fam-jam!

I know I update a lot but you know what? I really don't care. So I have made my way to B-crest, and I was accepted into the TESOL program but.... I just felt so unsettled about it, even to the point of crying. So I talked to my program head so he suggested Global Studies to me, which is similar but a more wide array of different ministry opportunities (TESOL is very focused). And guess who my program head is meow. Tim Stabell! So I am quick happy and feel so at peace about it. It has been crazy trying to figure out classes but I is kind of crazy sometimes when you trust in the Lord I guess, haha.

I other news, I made the Briercrest Refined/Undignified team (the dance crew)! It all happened so suddenly to be honest. I am really excited for the ministry opportunity but yet nervous. The RU team reminds me a lot of Kaleo. It is a family-like community, we are supposed to be transparent with each other, support one another and do ministry together. I also think it will be challenging like Kaleo (maybe even more) and to be honest, the leader, Adrian reminds me of Jim a little! As much as I love Kaleo, I don't know if I could do another year of Kaleo. So I am scared in that aspect. So please be praying for me. We practice for 12 hours a week and are gone 4-6 weekends per semester. Also, if you would like to be an 'official' prayer partner for me, give me a heads up and your email so I can add you to the list.

Love you! And I would adore if I heard from you guys!

Lynnea

pray?

For the first time in a very long time I don't have the "one" person in my life to go to and vent and cry and always share my life's frustrations and joys with. I think this partly may be because I have been slowly needing less pouring into and am doing more of the pouring in. Or maybe I do have someone and just don't feel okay with going to that person. Regardless, I am struggling right now. So I'm gonna share here with you guys.


Because it's practical stuff, not so much psychological and all that, I would usually call my Dad or Mom in a situation like this and be like heeey, this is the situation, what do you suggest I do to fix it? The problem with that this time is I know their answer - quit. Quit basketball. Quit the TESOL program. And either come home or go into an easier program and don't play sports. I reeeeally don't want to quit. I'll tell you why in a minute.


Okay, here's the situation: I'm sick and fading, but I think it's partly, if not mostly, due to psychological stress. I've woken up every morning here in the wonderful land of Caronport feeling extremely nauseous. I have little to no appetite at all times. I've thrown up enough times. For the last two days I've had waves of nausea followed by waves of intense headache followed by a period of feeling completely fine. And this cycle has repeated constantly, beginning when I wake up in the morning. And class has been 8:30-5 every day, followed by homework and assignments, followed by making of meals and dishes, followed by 8-10 basketball practice. Typical, easy day, right? Maybe I'm just weaker than the rest of the human population. I'm still spending a very good chunk of my days in prayer and reading the Word. I've screamed out in frustration, had anxiety attacks/hyperventilation, passed out once - though I think that was mostly from physical exertion in practice. The headaches destroy me the most.


But I was called here. I know it. I KNOW I'm supposed to be here. And I KNOW I'm supposed to be playing ball. And I know that it is impossible on my own strength. I know I need to trust and rely on the powerful One and stop worrying and leave it up to his perfect plan and will. And I'M TRYING. But all that's seeming to result is me being an absolute tool in my daily interactions, almost seeking attention or something (I do desperately need it, but instead should rest in the truth of being covered in the LORD's love). And then worrying more about not being in shape, not being good enough, not making good impressions, not being present at any of my team's bonding activities this week, not using my food before it goes bad, not getting incredible marks in this class, not pouring into people, not being there for people at home...





Please pray for me. Or something. I know there are ten thousand (million) people out there that are in worse struggles than this. And most if not all of you definitely are going through worse. But I'm not sure what else to do or ask for. And I'm not sure what to do differently. I'm trying to learn what I'm supposed to learn from this. I'm trying to physically take care of myself. I'm trying not to give up. But giving up is basically second nature for me, if not first nature (not to ruin the expression). First it's basketball. Then it's school. Then it's relationships. Then it's God. Then it's life. I don't want to go down that path.

I Had Time For A Blog Post

Well this summer has been a very long one. I have had no time to do anything and anytime I have off I rush away from camp. I really have been enjoying working here, though im getting tired of being in the same place for a year. It is so sweet to teach all these kids to do what I love. They are all so stoked once they try everything and it is totally worth it to see their smiles.

It is the final week of camp and I look forward to going home. This summer I have learned so far, to rely on God's strength. I feel like I have not had an impact on kids because I am only there for activities. I know I must have an impact on them, but its just tough for me not to see any of the impact I have made. I`m going to be doing a devotion in one of the cabins this week for youth camp. Im stoked, but also a bit nervous because I haven`t really told my story to random kids before. I hope to speak into their lives and hope they are open and interested to hear what God has done in my life. If you could pray for me to have wisdom and an impact that would be awesome.

I feel like I have been distracted this summer by so much. Pray that this last week will be groundbreaking for me. I expect great things to happen. I long for God but I dont feel on fire anymore and I just feel so drained. It doesnt help that im sick right now. but thats no excuse. Please pray for energy and Joy.

I have so much to talk about and tell, but hardly any time too. I hope once I get home, and after I find rest, I'll be able to reflect on everything that has happened this year. I haven't even reflected on Kaleo. I love you guys a ton and I apologize for never being around.

Jojo

Life..

Life really has a way of thrusting us on to paths we would never choose or even consider.

As a lot of you know, I had a bit of a hard transition back home after Kaleo. The beloved and gracious Jim and Sarah Badke opened their home for me to come and rest and start figure out where to take my next steps. I did a lot of things i’m not proud of. I hurt a lot of people, myself included. I was so deeply stuck in things that I didn’t even know how to begin to make better choices. But I knew there needed to be change, and I could not continue down the road I was on. So I applied for a program called Mercy Ministries in Surrey, BC. It’s a 6 month program for women age 19-27 to come and learn how to be set free from different things, and begin to live in the life that God intended. I heard about this program years ago, and when things would get bad I always thought about contacting them, but never seriously followed through with anything. But this time, I really had no idea where to go. I knew I needed to change, and I wanted change so badly, but I just couldn’t figure out how.

The application process is long. I started applying in the beginning of may, and didn’t even get accepted until July. Once you get accepted they put you on a wait list, and just pray and wait on the Lord’s timing for you to come. I went through the whole spectrum of being angry and impatient with the waiting and the uncertainty, to being relieved that I hadn’t heard from them. I was getting ready to build a life again in Victoria, and just starting to get a better grip on things. I applied for some jobs and stuff, but then a couple of days ago...Mercy called.

It’s really humbling to have all of this happening. This isn’t how I planned to spend my next year. This isn’t my first choice, but I’m starting to see that it is probably the right one.

You should look it up if you want to see more about Mercy. (www.mercyministries.ca).

It’s all happening so fast. I’m leaving on wednesday night, and I have no idea what to expect or how to feel. While i’m there I won’t have my cell phone, or internet at all, so no texting, facebook or email. I can get phone calls on saturdays. (604-535-1983). I’m kind of confused because on one form it said people can call from 1:30 to 5:30, and on another is said from 10 to 6.. I’m not really sure, so just call and i’m sure we’ll figure it out! AND I can send and get letters all the time!

Mercy Ministries of Canada
19465 16th Ave
Surrey, BC
V3S 9V2.

I would LOVE to hear from you!! And I need to know your new address for this year so I can send you letters too! So send mail! Woooo!

It’s going to be a tough transition, and I know it’s going to be really lonely at first not knowing anyone, and not being able to call or text whenever I want. And there’s some pretty strict and crazy rules, so it’s going to be tough to learn how to submit. I know that this is a good place, and it’s good for me to go, but honestly, i’m really afraid.

So i would really appreciate prayer.

Love you guys with all my heart!

change of plans

dear family;

i know i have been fairly silent these past months. i haven't been seeing or talking to much of anybody. i am sorry if anyone has felt hurt or ignored by my actions; i know that some of you have e-mailed or tried to contact me and i have either taken eons to respond or haven't responded at all. it has just been a very difficult summer and it's hard to know what to say.

i guess first things first: i am no longer going to briercrest. i was denied my loan about a month ago and it was truly like being punched in the face. i had this stupid, cocky assurance that i would be there, no matter what, because "it was what god wanted." what do i know? my parents' income is far too much for the government to even consider loaning me ten thousand dollars. i had my period of mourning. i cried for a week, i didn't talk to anybody. my dad went behind my back and signed me up for classes at uvic, although i had expressed less than no interest in going there. i was offered a scholarship to pay for my first year though, and it killed my dad to see me pass that up. when i told him i hadn't gotten my loan, he told me it was good he has signed me up for classes at uvic then. "what???" i said. i had no idea he had secretly done this. is it just me or were his actions a bit strange and manipulative? anyway i changed my courses because he had signed me up for stuff he wanted me to take (history of WWII, intro to economics, etc). i'll be taking four classes, and chose some pretty cool ones. i'll also be working four shifts a week at the coffee shop in order to go away come next fall. unfortunately my scholarship from briercrest cannot be deferred and i had to forfeit it. we'll see if i can get it come next year.

i'm going to be jumping around a bit, so bear with me. here comes my rant on my current existential crisis.

it is very easy to live as if god does not exist. in little to no time (one week?), you actually start to believe that he doesn't. it seems plausible that god is a whimsical notion sad people invented to feel better. when you don't hear god's "voice," when you forget how to pray, when your christian friends are the ones who have hurt you most, this life seems a lot less appealing. i have tried for so long to do this life right, to read the word, to talk to the lord, to do his work. i am tired. i still don't know who he is. what's worse, sometimes i don't care. but, interestingly, i am the most unhappy i have ever been in my entire life. this is partly existential crisis, partly legitimate health reasons, on which i will soon elaborate. but the point is: why do we even try to do "good," when all the "good" we do is arguably always inherently selfish? why do we bother to do the things we don't want to do but do anyway because we know they are "right"? because if we don't, we'll probably feel worse about ourselves. right? because we'll know we failed, or "disobeyed," or whatever you want to call it. so what's the point? here we all are waltzing around life like we aren't really selfish, like this good-doing is so easy for us. but do we only do good because we are selfish? i'm starting to think so. i don't understand it. it makes me angry to see people doing good because i automatically assume it's for their own selfish gain. pretty sick of me, i know. everything around me i see is negative. i have these terrible lenses by which i view the world. i feel like a nihilist, like i've finally given up, because nothing has a point anyway.

so that's that.

i think a lot of this terrible frame of mind has been a result of the chronic pain i have been in for the past four months. starting the week before we left for india, i started having constant nausea. i didn't understand it; i assumed i was just nervous about the trip or something. i found it very hard to eat. when we landed in india was when relief finally came. it was very strange. however, upon return to camp, it happened again. i was feeling constantly so so so physically ill. again, i assumed i was anxious about leaving kaleo, or nervous about leading worship at grad, or just sad. i don't know. the point is, it never went away.

in addition to the chronic nausea, i have been having mild, though steady, internal bleeding, along with insomnia. i am constantly anxious and paranoid about all sorts of things. peace only comes when i take enough sleeping pills to knock me out, but because of this i wake up most mornings feeling hung over. i have been in and out of doctors, and tested for all sorts of diseases and allergies. we have discovered that i have some new allergies (sugar, wheat, dairy, yeast, grapes, cantaloupe), which has been somewhat helpful, but regardless of what i eat i am still in a lot of abdominal pain. one thing the doctors discovered is that i have really intense acid reflux which has eroded the lining on my stomach, so no matter what i put in it, it becomes irritated. i am on prescription medication for that, and a lot of vitamins and a strict diet for everything else. but still there is no relief. my body is always so tense, i am afraid to eat, i am afraid to fall asleep. i wake up with my jaw clenched so tight and my body in knots. i've been grinding my teeth and they're starting to change shape. i wake up nauseous and cannot eat before i go to work. i'm exhausted all day and then starving by four in the afternoon, but i'm too scared to eat much because i'd rather be hungry than nauseous again.

and so is the cycle of my days.

in addition to this, i have been diagnosed with moderate depression, and have been put on medication for that as well. my doctor thinks that my constant anxiety, paranoia, loneliness and self-disgust is clinical. i think it is too. my doctor asked me if i remembered the last time i felt joy. i thought hard and i couldn't remember. it was before kaleo ended. i think it may have been grad day. i walk around with this weight in my chest, this sadness i can't shake, this constant feeling that my presence is a burden to anyone and everyone, so i shut myself out. most mornings i wake up and cry. i don't know why anymore, i can't explain it. the things i used to love are a nuisance to me now; music, reading, seeing friends. it's so hard to wake up in the morning. my good days are when i feel apathy as opposed to despair, and hunger instead of pain. the medication will take at least another month to kick in, so i have a while to go yet.

to manage the pain i had been smoking marijuana nearly daily. it numbed the nausea and made the day pass by quicker. however, as it is a depressant, my doctor told me i had to stop because in the long run it will make me feel worse. this is hard for me - i have to choose between feeling physically ill (when not smoking) and mentally ill (when smoking - whenever i come down from a high, it is true that i am sadder than i was before). still i think i would rather be sadder and in no physical pain than sad and in physical pain. the marijuana got rid of at least some of what i was feeling. in recent weeks i have quit though.

i need intercession right now. i don't want to give up on the truth. i am just at a loss as to how to beg god for relief anymore. i have spent months begging.

i want to be the woman people have told me they know i can be. a strong leader, a spiritual leader. someone who knows how to love, someone who knows how to lay down her life and offer it for the joy of others. someone who loves god so, so much. but the reality is that i am blinded by my own selfishness and pain and i am too weak to even be able to imagine i have any potential at all. i so badly want to know how to love people well. but i just don't. and i don't know who god is, i am so confused regarding his existence, his reality seems too good to be true. it does seem made up. it's so hard to see him when you are just in pain, in every sense of the word, all the time.

both my doctor and i think that most of my chronic pain is emotional and caused by anxiety, stress, and depression. i need to learn how to heal the anxieties in my brain, alleviate the weight of the sadness in my body. i don't remember what makes me happy anymore, though. so i don't know how to go about this.

i don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore, but i don't know who to talk to, and it gives me some comfort to think that maybe someone is reading this and knows.

all i can really ask for is prayer.

to the briercrest crew - take full advantage of what is going to be available to you this year. the people, the opportunities, the resources. you are so, so lucky. and you all deserve this chance.

to everyone else - i think of you all the time. although i do not miss kaleo (it was such a hard year, i doubt anyone really misses it), i miss your presence. i miss working alongside one another for something far beyond us.

please pray.

love,

b

Yearbook Online

Here is the Yearbook online, in case you want to show it to someone on your phone, or order another copy. It is best seen full-screen, of course (icon at the bottom). If you haven't received it yet, something has gone wrong - please let me know! This thing helps me miss you even more. Hope to see many of you soon!

Kaleo Eight Yearbook Orders | Make Your Own

haircut!

just wanted to show you what i look like now! in other news, i got a job at Starbucks! I'm stoked to start and i'll be working through the school year. love you all and miss you!

new hair!

  

Jim & Sarah on Tour at a Town Near You!

A week from today, Sarah and I leave on a tour of Canada! We would love to see as many of you as we can manage, though of course we can't get to every community where you will be.

Here is what would be helpful: If you live in a place where a number of students could come for an evening or weekend afternoon, maybe you could arrange something and let us know, and you/we could invite people there from any of the years of Kaleo.

It would also be helpful - and especially fun - if you would be willing to let us park the truck (with a camper on it) in your driveway for a night or two. We are otherwise pretty self-contained.

We have no set schedule, but here is an idea of where we will be and when:

• August 24 - arrive in Halifax, Cape Breton, PEI, maybe Newfoundland
• Early September - New Brunswick
• After Labour Day - Ontario
• Mid/late September - Winnipeg, Caronport
• Late September/early October - Edmonton, Calgary
• Early/mid October - BC
• Mid October - back to Victoria
  

You can text, FB or email us even while we are on the road. In the words of Paul, we "long to see you so that [we] may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and [we] may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith." See you soon!

Hey guys, hope the summer has been going wonderfully for everyone! Mine has been just dandy so far :) I received my yearbook on Monday, and had a great time looking over all our experiences and telling my family about the the year, and it made me miss you all a bunch, but also pumped me up for Briercrest once again!
In other news, four days after I had whined about my job on the rigs I was offered another job at church doing roofing, so I've been working for an awesome Christian guy for three weeks now, and I'm loving it. The work is pretty hot and hard, but Markus (My boss) is really laid back and funny, and I'm getting a pretty sick farmers tan in the mean time ;)
Last I'd like to ask for some prayers. Since the middle of hermeneutics I have had a lump at the bottom of my abdomen which slowly grew throughout the year. I finally went to have it checked out by a doctor on Monday, and she told me that I have a hernia, which is basically a split in my abdominal wall causing my bladder to poke through. Fortunately it's not a life threatening thing, unless my muscles try to close up and squeeze it off, causing an infection. Unfortunately I'll have to go in for surgery sometime during my time at Briercrest. Although I've had my worries, for the most part I have recieved peace about it.
Anyways, I am excited to hear the great news of what is happening with the Moravian school, and I would like to hear a lot more of what is happening in everyone else's lives too!
Miss you all!
Your brother in Christ,
Logan
P.S. My sister and mom are on a mission trip in Mexico right now with Caravan Ministries, is that the one that Jay's father in law is with?