Freedom.

Hey guys (yes, another update from me, but I just can't hold it in! I need to speak of the Lord's goodness!)
So, remember way back when we were at Mt. Washington almost a year ago? Remember how I had chosen the name Freedom? Well, it has happened. I am free.

Free from what you may ask, and that is what I am here to tell you about -prepare yourself, this isn't necessarily a very light subject and I am going to jump right into it. So beginning at a young age I began to develop the habit of masturbation, I can't necessarily pin-point when it started but I now it was pretty young. So as I got older -probably my pre-teens- I learned what I was doing, and I started to feel guilt about it, I figured out it was wrong. But you see, I was alone in this struggle. I had heard of guys struggling with this but a girl? Absurd. I knew it was 'disgusting', I knew it sinful and I knew it was looked down upon, that is what kept me from speaking out. How could I say anything if I knew people would judge me? I would cry out to God to help me from this mess, I didn't want it, but I would keep falling back into it. I came to the point that I would feel numb. I would do it and then I couldn't even provoke in me conviction anymore. I knew it had gone too far. All this time that I was crying out to God you know what He told me? To tell someone, but I refused. I didn't want to be judged, another lie from Satan.

So I went on in life, living two lives. A 'good Christian girl' and then in private behind the closed doors of my room, I masturbated. I was disgusted with myself and what I had become. During camp I had met Jahnaya Cey -who did Kaleo 5- and she had recommended a book to me calledEvery Young Woman's Battle just because she loved it so much. So I read it, and there was one chapter within called Fueling Your Own Fire, it was about masturbation, with testimonies of other girls. It was good to know I was not alone but the Devil was still feeding me lies, and I felt like those girls in that chapter were rarities. In some ways though it made me feel more hopeless. How was I ever going to tell my future husband this and for him to still love me? I knew what I was doing was just causing more harm and hurt for whoever the Lord intended for me in the future, I was disrespecting my husband and I had not even met him yet.
Many years past, and then Kaleo came. I told myself I would quit before Kaleo and for awhile I was doing good but then I fell once again. I was struggling so much. And here we come full circle. At this point, not a soul knew of my deep and dark secret, and the Lord gave me courage to ask for Freedom, freedom from sin in my life. After that our wonderful female intern (Janet) approached me about it, wondering if I wanted to talk about this freedom from sin. This was my chance. Finally, on the last day the Lord gave me courage to talk to her, and it was incredible. Janet was so encouraging and wasn't condemning at all. Ever since that day I have been on a journey of freedom with the Lord.

So as I got to Briercrest this year, I planned on being in TESOL and due to the business of it, I decided that as much as I thought Refined Undignified was sweet, I wouldn't even try out. But I went to the Secrets show RU put on for the Freshmen. As I watched the show the character I related to the most was a guy, Jesse. His story dealt with pornography and the things that come along with that. I came to that point again, even though I was hopeful in the fact that other people struggled with it, I was a girl. It was a guys' problem. Through God's providence though I became a part of the RU college team -which is another story in itself.

In RU we have a show called Secrets -which I mentioned above-, where members of the team share their 'secrets' and testimony through dance. The Lord was telling me to share, so I submitted my 'secret' via e-mail to Adrian -our RU director. I remember while typing it and after I sent it I was crying hysterically, but it was a good crying. Another step towards freedom. I remember after stepping into the shower shaking and just realizing that Satan had been telling me so many lies, and I had believed them, but no longer. So, it came to that my story was decided to become a part of the Secrets RU show, me, along with two of my brothers on the team, share similar stories and it has been incredible to walk beside them and seeing the impact of all three stories together have in this show. I remember the first time we performed this show for the public, I did not feel an ounce of shame. I felt freedom, true freedom and I bawled with joy behind stage. I had gone public, no turning back. Tonight we performed this show for the first time here at Caronport in front of our peers, family and friends. The crazy thing for me is I am not a bit ashamed for "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). It boggles my human mind that I am publicly declaring this and not an inch of guilt from my past actions or that shame. All of this is just testimony to the Lord's goodness and grace in my life, I would never have suspected for the Lord to bring me down such a path, never. A year ago not a soul knew about it, and now I am publicly declaring it! Praise God! Another crazy fact? I am not alone, even as a female, I have encountered females with this same struggle, it is just another lie from Satan that only guys struggle with this. At this point, I haven't for three months, but please be constantly be praying for me because it is a hard battle and it is so easy to fall if I don't let Christ have control -but Christ has the victory. I am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

I love you guys all so much, and I am sorry that I had kept this hidden from you. I still value all of you guys so greatly.

With love,

Lynnea

comin from the sunny west coast

Hey guys!


Update on me for anyone interested: I'm currently at home in Victoria, resting and letting myself be taken care of by the parentals. I've been here for exactly a week now, over Bcrest's modular/reading break. I was originally enrolled in a modular class for the week (World Religions with Tim Stabell!) but had to drop it due to concussion symptoms from getting hit during the Oh Sleeper concert at Youth Quake. I'm still not seeming to get much better very quickly. Like Anna, I'm finding it's pretty annoying since school requires my brain to be working a little better than it can at the moment. Concussions are cumulative I think and this is definitely not my first. So yeah, my body is being weird and my parents want me to stay home for a bit longer to rest up/possibly catch up on school. Prayer for healing would be awesome.


But I'm realizing that good health and good marks and playing basketball well aren't actually the epitomes of life. It's more about getting to know Jesus Christ better, it's about living in light of his Lordship, and exuding that divine light by loving and serving his people as part of the Church, his body. I'm sorry if that all sounds theological and abstract. To me, it's pretty practical. Not that I'm anywhere near good at any of it yet (even the last two months I've wrestled a lot with darkness/lies/deceit/self-degradation), but I desire to live this out by immersing myself in the Word (getting to know Christ, what his Lordship means), loving on the people placed in my life (for me right now, this should look much like building up the Church, since I do live in a place where most people are generally on the same page with the whole Christianity thing), and looking to sacrifice my lifestyle choices in order to further social justice (and man, I'm sucking at that one lately, not giving a rip about what I'm consuming or what it looks like to steward well my time/money/talents I've been privileged/gifted with).


Hahaha on the English essay I should be revising right now instead of writing on here, the comments by my professor centre around how I need to cut down on wordiness :P


On another note, I'm going to Hong Kong and Northern China this summer, along with possibly New Zealand and Thailand. I should probably figure it out pretty quickly here whether I'm doing the latter two or not – I hear the end of April is only like 5 weeks away or something? But yeah, the two for-sure trips - China is a full-credit course called Mandarin Chinese 3, and it looks like: 5 weeks at a University in Changchun, Jilin province learning more Mandarin, doing assignments and presentations, and tutoring some students in English. That's May 17-June 22. And then June 23-August 13 is teaching English to kids in a summer-camp style (ie. not so that they retain all the stuff we teach them, but rather to expose them to Canadian culture and native English speakers) at middle and high schools in Hong Kong. New Zealand would be a two-week pre-trip before China, and Thailand would be a 1.5 week post-trip after Hong Kong. I haven't thought a whole lot about any of this yet... it just seems so far in the future and not actually real.. but being committed to the point of having to pay 800 bucks if I back out it pretty dang real haha, and 7-8ish weeks is reeeeally soon...


Uhmmm what else is new... basketball ended a few weeks ago, TESOL at Bcrest is awesome (actually, Briercrest itself is the best... hint hint Bret), my brother just flew from the Philippians to South Korea (pretty exciting!), Saskatchewan winter has been super mild so far, and weather on the Van Island can NEVER legitimately be described as “cold” I've decided.


Also, I'd like to ask you guys to lift Anna Watts up in prayer. I don't actually know much about what's going on with her right now but it sounds like it's a really tough time. Please please join with me in praying for our sister, for physical and spiritual healing, and for life-giving freedom to consume her. Maybe even send her some lovin in a letter?


I'd also LOVE to hear from any of you anytime, how you're doing, what's been going on, how I can pray for you. Seriously. Facebook, skype, email, text...



-Meghan

The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. -Romans 13:12 ESV

some thoughts

hey dudes. here's something i wrote while i was up at mt washington a couple weeks ago on reading break. i meant to share it with you earlier but haven't gotten around to it til now. it still seems to express my dominating sentiments, so here we go.

my kaleo family,

i am currently up at mt washington with some of my coworkers for a couple of days this reading break. i have not had a more perfect day on the mountain than today, besides the times i spent with you all. can you believed our final retreat up here was almost a year go? that we were in india, argentina, vancouver and mexico a year ago? i can't believe it. it feels like it was yesterday. all this nostalgia is simply to illustrate how i was feeling on the slopes today: heavy, lonely, sad. and yet the sun was so bright, the snow was so soft. i didn't hurt myself, and i was with people i loved. but they weren't you, and i think that's why i was feeling so isolated. because none of you are here.

do you guys ever think about who you were a year ago? i do. last february i loved god so much. i knew him, i knew his voice. i understood his requirements of me and i felt cleaner, more pure. now i am dirty, but i have not given up. i am still searching. i miss the person i was when i was around you all though. my brothers and sisters; my family. it is unfair for us to have been so violently separated from each other.

i am still struggling with everyday life. the antidepressants don't help as much as i thought they would, though they strengthen me to put on my face and go to work or school. i have been going to yoga five to six days a week and am competing in the regional hatha yoga championships for the bishnu ghosh cup in two weeks (february 26). *sidenote - that was this past sunday and i got second place! i am going to nationals!* as a result of my training i have been feeling good physically, seeing that i am small and strong, seeing my strength and abilities in the mirror of the yoga room everyday and i'm proud of what my body can do. it is interesting being so absorbed into the yoga community as a person of faith. some know i am a christ follower and are very surprised. i become a sort of enigma to them. i drink wine and study nietzsche and practice yoga daily and try as best i can to love god. this is paradoxical to them. only a few know because i am afraid of their rejection should my pursuit of jesus be revealed. but then i think, they need to know, because then they will see that we're not all crazy! these are my daily musings in work and yoga and school - the three activities that fill up my days.

i am now full on in my philosophy program and am in love with it, thought it is academically very challenging and intellectually exhausting. i am learning about all sorts of incredible things and reading all sorts of incredible historical thinkers. in defence of the credibility of faith, i suggest you all read "the will to believe" by william james. he is a harvard professor and a pragmatist, so not a christian, but a believer in god. pragmatists basically state that belief in god is justified if it results in any sort of tangible benefits for the believer - be that optimism, hope, joy, peace, and so on. in other words, if the belief is pragmatic - practical, conducive to progress - then it is justified. this is a very attractive view to me, as i am an overly rational thinker. however, it has no respect for objective truth - which we are called to believe in - and therefore i must reject it. it also places the power/justification on the believer, not the one who is to be believed in. additionally it is simply a dangerous ideology to hold. anything can "work" if you force it to. however for those of you who are interested in apologetics i highly recommend james's "will to believe." while some of his views are a bit skewed, none of them come up in the article. he simply defends one's right to hold beliefs though there may be no worldly evidence.

anyway that was all to say when i finish my undergrad i am contemplating law school. i've been thinking lately about what kind of defence those imprisoned for their faith have. if there is a lawyer for the defence of those people, then i want to be that. but really any sort of advocate for the voiceless is attractive to me. i have been under the influence of a very sweet boy whose intent is to become a missionary by means of a degree in mechanical engineering, so he is able to build irrigation systems, etc., for developing communities. *ps he is my boyfriend ... HA!* his passion has inspired me to do something similar ... use my means and gifts to bring light into darkness. as i cannot even assemble ikea furniture, i have identified my strengths as being mainly intellectual: my ability to analyze, articulate and argue information that i am presented with. as such i would like to use these things to free the innocent. i really pray that my passion and motivation to pursue this career does not change.

in regards to briercrest next year: i am still working up the nerve to apply. *i'm having a phone conversation with wes about all of this tomorrow!* the thing is, i love learning in a secular environment. it forces me to do a lot of external research and learning; it forces me to learn how to reconcile the person of christ with the criticisms of clifford, freud, and hume. i am comfortable here. i live for free. i get good grades. i love my job. i love practicing hot yoga every day. i'm dating a cute boy. it's just easier.

me, me, me. i, i, i. what does god want? i ask, but i have yet to find the answer.

i guess i am mostly just writing to say that i love each of you and miss you terribly. you were all instrumental in turning my life around. no matter how much i mess up, or disobey, or forget, or ignore ... god has to be there. i am unable to stop my search for him, though i am tired and frustrated. it's impossible when you look out the window of your condo at mt washington and see the mountains hugged with snow, the peak of mt albert-edward that we never reached, the blue chairlift where we contemplated the big questions, the lodge where we ate and slept and yelled and cried and smiled. it is impossible for me to ever forget last year, though almost everyday, it feels like a dream, or part of a terribly distant past. i think that's because it's never talked about in my everyday life, so it feels like it's not there. it's a secret part of me i try to hide most days, the secret that i believe. it's waiting behind the puddles of booze and the clouds of sadness and self doubt. it's there, waiting to be refined. that gives me hope. hope is still there.

i would like to thank all of you for encouraging this hope in me, and for your patience and love. i love each and every one of you. remember:

our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

love,

b

oh boy oh boy.

Hmm, its been a crazy little while for me lately. As I let you guys know earlier I've been dating someone. His name is Colin. Its been really great, hard but great. Mostly my lack of ability to commit makes things kind of hard. He treats me well though and we challenge each other and compliments each other in a great way.

I got a tattoo at the beginning of february. Its the definition of honesty on my arm. I have the word fat carved into my bicep and now I have freedom from deceit tattooed on the same forearm. I love it a lot. Heres a photo. 

Um so on saturday I was in a pretty bad car accident. I was driving home from visiting my sister in ohio and I flipped my car twice then landed in oncoming traffic and then went into the ditch in the middle of the highway. It was really scary and I'm still pretty overwhelmed and shake by it. I walked away uninjured (Praise the lord!) but I've been pretty dizzy since. If you guys could be praying that I recover fully and am able to concentrate again that would be great... I have midterms this week and at this rate I'll fail all of them.

I love you all and miss you a lot. 

La-nay-nay and Turkey

Hello my family!

Well as per usual, I am giving you an update.

Right meow, I am uberly exhausted and drained, and on the verge of being sick -which is unfortunate especially because we have an RU bootcamp this weekend. Speaking of RU, it has been going great and we had our first 'ministry' occasion on Friday which was so crazy to see how the Lord works! There has also been a lot of drama going on as of late -which as you all know, I am not good with- so please be praying for that.

My main reason though for posting is.... I might be going to Turkey this summer again! I totally thought the Lord was telling me to work at camp again this summer and He was telling me to wait and be patient to do missions and such -He just loves to switch things up though. I was talking to a missions rep though today and it just seems too good to be true! It costs 1113-1500 (not including airfare though), and my options are either a dance ministry or a social justice/prostitution thing. So I don't know if this is what the Lord wants especially because it is right in the middle of camp season.... so ya. Please be praying for me in that!

Love you all and I think of you guys constantly, and please post, I want to hear about you too!

i should have wrote this before

Well a lot of you probably think i'm freezing my butt off in the prairies, but I'm not. These months at home have been all over the place. I've applied and withdrawn from two schools. I just have no idea what to do with my life. This will be quick. I decided to go to Briercrest and I was all ready to leave, but those plans have changed. I realize it was a rash, quick decision to go there. My reasoning was to have good community and I had connections there with courses and friends so I guess I thought it would be a quick fix to these lonely months at home. Anyways, when I was talking to Tim Stabell on the phone I just felt in my heart that it wasn't the right fit. All of a sudden I felt that it wasn't it. So I thought about it a little longer and decided it was best if I didn't go anywhere in January. I want to be out of the place I'm in, but it will have to wait a little longer. I think I know what kind of field I'm going go in. It wasn't offered at briercrest and I didn't want to go and start again if it didn't work out you know. But I'm going go for a child life specialist. Its where you work in a children's hospital and help children cope with illnesses they have. By showing them what is going on and talking to them about it. It will also deal with the parents and to inform them whats going on too. It will be more school but I think it will be worth it. Pray that where I will be in the next while will be a greenhouse for me. But yeah this post is to let you know that I won't be at Briercrest. Sorry for getting any ones hopes up! I want to come visit maybe. I vote we have a reunion at Mt washington.

Yes I got another tattoo

This will be all over the place because I haven't even had time to think about what's been going on with me but bear with me. Well I actually forgot about our blog I've been so busy. I thought I would update all of you on my life. After a long and difficult summer at camp, I moved to Fernie and have been living with my room mates Tyler and Patrick. I worked at Canadian tire for about 6 days and quit...surprise! I now work at the Ski Hill as a liftie and recently got a new job working 3 nights a week at a coffee shop. It has been very difficult this year for me. I have screwed up so much which was unenviable. It's hard being in a town where all people ever do is go to bars drinking. I've been caught up in that a couple times but have been pretty good about it lately. I just get so confused and feel so judged because my Christian group of friends because lots of my them go out drinking all the time. When im with them they are happy with me and think im alright. But when I go out with my non christian friends they think something is totally wrong and give me judging eyes. None of my friends at the hill know I'm Christian because I don't want to give Christians a bad name.

Since I've been screwing up a lot these past few months, I have just gotten so down and cant seem to get out of this depression and can't stop beating myself up for it. I stopped taking my depression meds in Kaleo and think I should start them up again. Everyone keeps telling me im "Living the dream" I get to snowboard everyday at work and live 15 min from the hill. I get 3 days off a week and I went to Hawaii for Christmas and I have great friends. Although all of these things are awesome, I don't feel awesome. I feel like a complete loser and sleaze bag. I cant seem to hold on to relationships of any kind without screwing something up. I'm such a mess and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I have people I can talk to but I can't be bothered to approach them and when they ask me how they can help me, I have no idea how they can help me. It would be nice to have someone just genuinely ask how I'm doing and see that they really do care, but everyone is always so busy.

I dont want to be around anything to do with Christian Community. I spend a lot of time with Jesus on my own, but can't stand it when other people are around. I don't like my church and couldn't be bothered to pay attention any more. I have basically just stopped going. I have the chance to go to Bible studies but turn down any offer. I think I'm just frustrated but I don't know with what.

As of my plans for next year, I have a lot of Ideas. My parents dont want me to do YWAM in NZ. I understand their reasoning behind not wanting me to go away again. I have to raise all the money myself which is fine. I cant seem to get much money saved up for ywam though and have to decide between going to school for Fine Arts in Calgary or hope that i will get enough money before june 24th. I know God can do big things but I just feel like either option would be the right choice. Im getting no direction right now.

There is much more going on but that is all i can be bothered to write for today because I'm sick. Im back at home in Calgary to escape and get rest.

I love you all dearly and hope to hear from you all soon.

Beloved Jordana

SINGLE 4 LYFFE.

I wasn't gunna post cause I usually only post when I'm sad but I figured I would let you all know that I'm dating someone...

It is the night before I leave for the Dominican Republic with a team from my church and I wonder why I can't sleep. Some of you may recall well over a year when I first expressed interest in undertaking this trip. I leave tomorrow (or today I guess) and I wish I wasn't going. Life these past couple of months have been rough, actually a better way to put would be that it has been hell. If I hadn't vocalized such interest in the missions trip from when it was first put forward I would not be going. So here I am feeling inadequate to go, not wanting to go and with no one to talk to except for the air around me (literally). I am curious as to why it is that whenever I write on the blog I always seem to have a negative attitude? Trust me there has been many times where I have written but never published. I'm rambling and probably not making much sense but I guess that's ok because I just needed to get something out.

- Bryan

Welcome to 2012!

Happy New year everyone! I just thought I would say how much I love and miss you guys. My New Years was spent with Meghan, Sarah, Anna W. and Brettski! It was such a blessing to be reunited with them and to reminiss about the times we hated Kaleo and laugh about them now. I'm going to admit we gossiped about everyone a lot but I believe its more like "Godsip" because its really encouraging to hear about what some of you are all up to and how most of you are all doing. I just wanted to take a moment and ask Christine to get on here and give us a bit of an update on her life cause I want to hear about this boy! Honestly it was the best New Years I've had in a long time and it was exacally the kind of hang out/ catching up sesh I needed to start the year off right. Just so you all know I am praying for ya'll and miss you dearly.

P.s. Jim I can't wait to read your new book.
P.P.s. I am going to write a book too its in the begining stages.

MUCH LOVE + MANY BLESSINGS,
Mary