Hey family.
I miss you. I sit in my bed, up way too late (shocker, right?) feeling like tears are coming to my eyes because I just miss you all. It's been a long time since we were all last together and sometimes it feels as though it never happened at all.
I keep waiting to write on this blog until my life is together, until I've accomplished something or something big has happened in life or something, but nothing seems to be happening so I figure I might as well post anyways.
Last time I posted, I told you all that I was moving to Vancouver and staying at UBC, even though I wanted to be at Briercrest. I am now in my last few weeks of classes for this term at UBC and it's been okay. Definitely not what I wanted or what I feel I still want, but I have to keep believing that the Lord has me here for a purpose. I keep thinking, "When will it get easy? When will I get to live and completely love where I am?" I don't see it yet. And it's really hard.
I'm lonely. I don't really have community out here at UBC. I don't have time for anything because my work schedule is crazy and inconsistent. When I'm not in class, I'm working and when I'm not working, I'm usually home because it's 10 pm. And when I manage to get an evening off of work, I don't really have friends to spend it with.
I currently go home twice a week which also decreases my chance to really build relationships here, but I'm not there long enough to do things with people for one of the nights and the other night people are busy, so I feel like I'm less connected with friends at home too. I'm still involved at my church's youth group and I'm now also attending morning services there. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still there and I come to the conclusion that I just can't leave my youth girls. I'm still attending Ethos which has been really good for me. I'm getting involved in serving there and trying to make more connections.
The Lord had His hand in setting up my living situation. I am living in the place I'd hoped for much cheaper than I could have possibly dreamed. I am 10 minutes from campus and 4 minutes from work (2 minutes if I sprint). I live with a couple who has been married for 42 years and have served as overseas missionaries for many of those years. As most of you know, missions is my heart and it is really cool to have them to mentor me and encourage me in the faith and in those desires. They are so loving and so hospitable and have really just taken me into their family. I just love them.
God is good. I know that. I know that more than I know if I'm going to breathe my next breath. But it's hard to live each day feeling like I'm never going to be in a place where I am going to love every day. I get afraid to hope for things because I'm afraid that God will tell me no and ask me to do something different and scary. I am so lonely and I really just want to love where I'm at. I want to be faithful where I'm at. I want to do what God has for me here. I don't think anything is happening, I don't know why I'm here and why I continue on.
Please pray for me. Pray for me to find the Lord in where I am. Pray that He will show Himself to me in indescribable ways and that I will see Him. Pray that He will be my Friend, my Companion, and my Joy. And He is my joy. I can tell you that I still have joy, even though I'm lonely and unhappy.
I love you all. I'm still learning to rest.
Holly
PS Kylie, the friend of mine that I mentioned in my last post has been coming to church with me since April accepted the Lord and I got to help baptize her on October 7th. Praise His glorious name for this soul who knows Him. My beautiful friend who is more like my sister is now my sister in the family of the Lord. Soli Deo Gloria!
3 comments:
Hey Holly, thank you a ton for your post. Your faithfulness is very encouraging to read about, as I have often questioned my own faithfulness this year, and I struggle with feeling that I won't be prepared to be used by the end. So thank you for remaining faithful to him at your time at UBC, even though it might be hard to see where you are going. I think fear can be one of our worst sins, where we fear the future, fear people and their opinions, fear loss. We lose sight of obedience to God by getting stuck in all of these fears, and lose our fear for God. What do these things measure up to, when we look at how awesome our Lord is. What I am saying is that when we are met with fear, we need to instead trust God instead of giving into fear. Temptation is not sin, but it can give birth to sin fast if we don't reign it in.
What I mean to say Holly, is that I think you are being obedient in your choices, and trying your best to trust in God. Continue in this, and he will honour you and use you for his purpose. Thanks for being an encouragement, my friend!
P.S. It was sweet to hear about your friend! Welcome to the family, Kylie :)
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
- Psalm 27
Love you, Holly! Skype?
Logan, I just appreciate you so much. Thank you for this. So much encouragement. So proud of who you are becoming. I can't wait to come to your first church and hear you preach to your youth kids.
Jim, that's one of my favourite Psalms. Thank you so much for the reminder. And yes, please to the skype! I'll facebook message or text you about it!
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