This will be all over the place because I haven't even had time to think about what's been going on with me but bear with me. Well I actually forgot about our blog I've been so busy. I thought I would update all of you on my life. After a long and difficult summer at camp, I moved to Fernie and have been living with my room mates Tyler and Patrick. I worked at Canadian tire for about 6 days and quit...surprise! I now work at the Ski Hill as a liftie and recently got a new job working 3 nights a week at a coffee shop. It has been very difficult this year for me. I have screwed up so much which was unenviable. It's hard being in a town where all people ever do is go to bars drinking. I've been caught up in that a couple times but have been pretty good about it lately. I just get so confused and feel so judged because my Christian group of friends because lots of my them go out drinking all the time. When im with them they are happy with me and think im alright. But when I go out with my non christian friends they think something is totally wrong and give me judging eyes. None of my friends at the hill know I'm Christian because I don't want to give Christians a bad name.
Since I've been screwing up a lot these past few months, I have just gotten so down and cant seem to get out of this depression and can't stop beating myself up for it. I stopped taking my depression meds in Kaleo and think I should start them up again. Everyone keeps telling me im "Living the dream" I get to snowboard everyday at work and live 15 min from the hill. I get 3 days off a week and I went to Hawaii for Christmas and I have great friends. Although all of these things are awesome, I don't feel awesome. I feel like a complete loser and sleaze bag. I cant seem to hold on to relationships of any kind without screwing something up. I'm such a mess and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I have people I can talk to but I can't be bothered to approach them and when they ask me how they can help me, I have no idea how they can help me. It would be nice to have someone just genuinely ask how I'm doing and see that they really do care, but everyone is always so busy.
I dont want to be around anything to do with Christian Community. I spend a lot of time with Jesus on my own, but can't stand it when other people are around. I don't like my church and couldn't be bothered to pay attention any more. I have basically just stopped going. I have the chance to go to Bible studies but turn down any offer. I think I'm just frustrated but I don't know with what.
As of my plans for next year, I have a lot of Ideas. My parents dont want me to do YWAM in NZ. I understand their reasoning behind not wanting me to go away again. I have to raise all the money myself which is fine. I cant seem to get much money saved up for ywam though and have to decide between going to school for Fine Arts in Calgary or hope that i will get enough money before june 24th. I know God can do big things but I just feel like either option would be the right choice. Im getting no direction right now.
There is much more going on but that is all i can be bothered to write for today because I'm sick. Im back at home in Calgary to escape and get rest.
I love you all dearly and hope to hear from you all soon.
Beloved Jordana
4 comments:
my dear, you are beloved. by us and by the Lord. i want you here!!
remember this, you are not a sleazebag and/or loser. you are precious. you are beautiful. you are loved.
yes, you've messed up. but there's grace. upon grace upon grace upon grace. always.
praying for you, chickadee.
Praying for you dear, I would really love to skype though sometime so I can see and haer the beautiful Jordana! I will be praying though for you, and if you ever need something.... I am there for you :)
Hey Jade Marian! I skyped Tyler a couple of months ago and was sad that you weren't there too. But I think that this should change. I've went far too long without seeing a lot of you (plural), I think we should try to skype in a couple weeks, everyone.
We learned 'beloved' in Greek last semester, and it will always make me think of you Joje. I hope you remember why you are beloved friend.
I know even in C-port here, it can be easy to turn inwards and I find myself very often lacking the desire to attend these things. But often when I do, I see God at work in those times. Be weary of these feelings, try o fight them.
I like that tattoo too!
Much love, agapetos (beloved) and blessings,
Logan
I feel the exact same way as you just described. Know that you are not alone in what you are going through. I am always here for you.
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