Hey there my dearly missed friends!

I thought I would share a little of my recent life with ya'll.

Have you ever tried and tried your hardest to move forward but can't seem to get anywhere?

This has been the story of my life as of December (which feels like forever ago).

So in December my life got hectic and I got frustrated and stressed out so I quite my job and focused on my schooling. I was doing a course that was supposed to help me find a more fulfilling and rewarding career. However I am still currently unemployed because of course when I was ready for a job all opportunities ceased to exist. I have an incredible amount of free time on my hands and have had so since February. All I want to do is do more courses, learn a language, find a job, make new friends, pick up a hobbie, learn a skill anything to get me out of this rut!

and then this is what I heard...

"Listen and be patient. I have given you this time of rest for a reason."

And I think to myself since when does a season of rest come when it is the last thing you wanted?! And why does it have to be so long?!

"I have given you 6 days a week free of responsibility and you STILL can not even give me the time of day to say 'hello'. Mary this is why I have given you a long and much needed rest! You need to get your proprieties in check because apparently I have sunken to the bottom of your priority list."

And I think to my self: touché.

So as of two weeks ago my full time duties have been reading the bible and going to bible studies. After next week I have decided to volunteer at the SPCA and Therapeutic Riding Association. Apparently I am not in control of my life as much as I desire to be.

I love you all and I hope that the glory of the Father is shining through your lives, as cheesy as it sounds I pray that it would be true.

MUCHO LOVE + Many blessings,

Mary

Not Much

Hey guys! It's been a while since I've typed on here, but I check the blog almost every day! Warning: this is gonna be long. I've been wanting to type on here for a while, but always felt too busy or too lazy. Anyways, here it is...

So this last semester has had several opportunities arise. Earlier this year, Erik, Meghan, and I all looked at joining the Canadian Forces reserves. I was pretty pumped originally, since I've had an interest in the military since I was born (or 12), but different circumstances occurred, and eventually what really seemed like a great idea kind of became a side note in the end.

Next for adventures, James Venderveen, Ben Schmit, Meghan (our Meghan), Jade Summerfelt, and I were all planning to make an expedition out to the Island to go visit Kaleo over Mod. week. Again, this seemed very exciting, but when we talked with both Kaleo and Briercrest, they seemed less than supportive of our plans, for various reasons. They were valid, but I don't think they were accurately weighed. Anyways, not important. That night, Nick and Leanne Vansnick had a Kaleo get together at their house, and around 9 or so James came up to Ben and I (Meghan and Jade had already left), and he asked if we would want to go to to his house in Ontario. 12 hours later, we were on the road! We drove for Minneapolis the first day (where Ben lives) and then it would be onto James' house the next day. It was blizzarding for the whole way to Minneapolis, and the 12 hour drive took 16. The wind and snow was so bad that when we got out, the one side of the car had around two inches of ice, which kind of looked like brown barnacles. After this gas stop, we decided it would be fun to hit the ditch. The weather continued to provide us with random snow storms the second day as well, though it wasn't as generous as the previous day. I'm making this sound like a terrible drive, but it was actually a lot of fun. We listened to hours of adventure in Oddessy and Brian Regan, had some good theological and personal conversations, and tried to construct sentences by saying the words backwards.

At James' house we basically lazed around, doing a minimal amount of homework, watching Hogans heroes, visited some of James and Ben's friends (I tried to get a hold of you, Nate, Mike, and Anna!), and we also made a movie: (if there isn't a movie here I apologize, you'll have to take my word that it's EXTREMELY good) It's about temptation, but we didn't finish it, so I figured it'd be good just to tell you.



Ok, so it's pretty cheesy, but at least it was fun :) On our drive back to Caronport, we brought with us James' older sister, Maria, and had equally as much fun, with better weather!

Well, OK, but what's NEW Logan? Alright... I'll tell you.

Since I had to have my surgery this year, as interested as I was in the Refined Undignified, I knew that it was somewhat pointless to try out. However, I have been feeling much better, and I was contemplating trying out next year. At this point it's kind of Lynnea's thing, so I talked to her about it, and she at least pretended to seem excited!

I was also offered to try out for a position as a Residence Assistant (RA) for my dorm. I had thought about this through the year too, as it seems like it would be a position that would suit me, I think I would be good at it. In the end, I ended up turning the RA position down, because after much prayer and many conversations with people, I felt that I had an open door to either position, and to me, I felt that RU held more appeal for me. I loved doing TaeKwonDo, and I felt as if this would be a good way to serve. As well, watching their ministry throughout the year, I have seen how impactful it is, and I would love to be a part of that.

My youth ministry professor and I have been fairly close throughout this year as well. We are in the same Greek class (he decided he wanted to learn Greek), I've been in now two of his classes, and I have also been helping out at the youth group that he and his wife run in Caron (across the highway from Caronport; what a coincidence!). Next year, he has decided that he wants to help out in Moose Jaw helping other youth groups, which would make him too busy for running the youth group in Caron, so myself and two others will be taking over running the group next year, though he said that they will still help us out as best they can. I'm pretty excited, it should be a great opportunity.

This summer, I have a few things planned as well. I have texted Markus (my old boss), and he was glad to have me work for him again this summer. I also have an internship set up back home with my youth group from May until August, which again will be a great learning opportunity, and a fun time :) Last, I hope to be able to go back to Faith Bible Camp again!

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about where things are going. Next year is going to be a hectic year I suppose, as I am getting into more advanced courses. Nevertheless, as long as I keep from getting bogged down, I think it should be a very good experience for me, and a good chance to serve our Lord. I am quite enjoying all my classes right now, even the core ones like English, and even the homework for the various classes feels rewarding. As we speak, I' procrastinating (taking a long break) on a history paper about Arminianism, which I have enjoyed researching and writing thus far. In spite of all these things that I have been learning, I have definitely found myself struggling to fight off various temptations, and failing at times, and succeeding at others. Watching the RU performances this last weekend, one song that I found was very impactful was called "embracing accusations". Though I don't think it will be as powerful without the RU dance accompanying it, I would encourage you guys to listen to it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncZI5thqCmY.

Last, we heard a sermon yesterday that I thought was very powerful. It was based off of Ecclesiastes 1 and 3. 3:9 says "what gain has the worker from his toil"? again, in 1:3 the preacher asks "What does a man gain by all the toil / at which he toils under the sun"? Think of Alexander the Great. He conquered most of the known world, yet his territories are nothing like they were, and we wouldn't even know about him if it were not for some dusty old books. What permanent gain can man achieve under the sun? None. You and I are nothing but dust. Yet God gives us every day as a gift, not as something that we can take with us, but as something to enjoy. Why doesn't he allow us this permanent gain that people seek after? Because we would, yes we would use it to fulfill our own joy, instead of leaving that to God. We would find pride in the things we did, and we would give ourselves reason to turn away from God himself if he gave us the chance.
Therefore, what we do has no gain under the sun. "All is vanity!" says the preacher. He is right. If we are living for gain under the sun, no matter how hard we try, it will be in vane. But God will take into account what we do in thew world, for 12:13-14 says "Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the full duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, with every secret thing, whether good or evil".

Anywho, thanks for listening :) May God bless you and keep you all, I love you guys all lots! I hope that you guys are seeking to serve God, wherever you are. And if not, I pray that he draws close to you, and you see the emptiness of life without him, and the fullness and joy that comes with.

Freedom.

Hey guys (yes, another update from me, but I just can't hold it in! I need to speak of the Lord's goodness!)
So, remember way back when we were at Mt. Washington almost a year ago? Remember how I had chosen the name Freedom? Well, it has happened. I am free.

Free from what you may ask, and that is what I am here to tell you about -prepare yourself, this isn't necessarily a very light subject and I am going to jump right into it. So beginning at a young age I began to develop the habit of masturbation, I can't necessarily pin-point when it started but I now it was pretty young. So as I got older -probably my pre-teens- I learned what I was doing, and I started to feel guilt about it, I figured out it was wrong. But you see, I was alone in this struggle. I had heard of guys struggling with this but a girl? Absurd. I knew it was 'disgusting', I knew it sinful and I knew it was looked down upon, that is what kept me from speaking out. How could I say anything if I knew people would judge me? I would cry out to God to help me from this mess, I didn't want it, but I would keep falling back into it. I came to the point that I would feel numb. I would do it and then I couldn't even provoke in me conviction anymore. I knew it had gone too far. All this time that I was crying out to God you know what He told me? To tell someone, but I refused. I didn't want to be judged, another lie from Satan.

So I went on in life, living two lives. A 'good Christian girl' and then in private behind the closed doors of my room, I masturbated. I was disgusted with myself and what I had become. During camp I had met Jahnaya Cey -who did Kaleo 5- and she had recommended a book to me calledEvery Young Woman's Battle just because she loved it so much. So I read it, and there was one chapter within called Fueling Your Own Fire, it was about masturbation, with testimonies of other girls. It was good to know I was not alone but the Devil was still feeding me lies, and I felt like those girls in that chapter were rarities. In some ways though it made me feel more hopeless. How was I ever going to tell my future husband this and for him to still love me? I knew what I was doing was just causing more harm and hurt for whoever the Lord intended for me in the future, I was disrespecting my husband and I had not even met him yet.
Many years past, and then Kaleo came. I told myself I would quit before Kaleo and for awhile I was doing good but then I fell once again. I was struggling so much. And here we come full circle. At this point, not a soul knew of my deep and dark secret, and the Lord gave me courage to ask for Freedom, freedom from sin in my life. After that our wonderful female intern (Janet) approached me about it, wondering if I wanted to talk about this freedom from sin. This was my chance. Finally, on the last day the Lord gave me courage to talk to her, and it was incredible. Janet was so encouraging and wasn't condemning at all. Ever since that day I have been on a journey of freedom with the Lord.

So as I got to Briercrest this year, I planned on being in TESOL and due to the business of it, I decided that as much as I thought Refined Undignified was sweet, I wouldn't even try out. But I went to the Secrets show RU put on for the Freshmen. As I watched the show the character I related to the most was a guy, Jesse. His story dealt with pornography and the things that come along with that. I came to that point again, even though I was hopeful in the fact that other people struggled with it, I was a girl. It was a guys' problem. Through God's providence though I became a part of the RU college team -which is another story in itself.

In RU we have a show called Secrets -which I mentioned above-, where members of the team share their 'secrets' and testimony through dance. The Lord was telling me to share, so I submitted my 'secret' via e-mail to Adrian -our RU director. I remember while typing it and after I sent it I was crying hysterically, but it was a good crying. Another step towards freedom. I remember after stepping into the shower shaking and just realizing that Satan had been telling me so many lies, and I had believed them, but no longer. So, it came to that my story was decided to become a part of the Secrets RU show, me, along with two of my brothers on the team, share similar stories and it has been incredible to walk beside them and seeing the impact of all three stories together have in this show. I remember the first time we performed this show for the public, I did not feel an ounce of shame. I felt freedom, true freedom and I bawled with joy behind stage. I had gone public, no turning back. Tonight we performed this show for the first time here at Caronport in front of our peers, family and friends. The crazy thing for me is I am not a bit ashamed for "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). It boggles my human mind that I am publicly declaring this and not an inch of guilt from my past actions or that shame. All of this is just testimony to the Lord's goodness and grace in my life, I would never have suspected for the Lord to bring me down such a path, never. A year ago not a soul knew about it, and now I am publicly declaring it! Praise God! Another crazy fact? I am not alone, even as a female, I have encountered females with this same struggle, it is just another lie from Satan that only guys struggle with this. At this point, I haven't for three months, but please be constantly be praying for me because it is a hard battle and it is so easy to fall if I don't let Christ have control -but Christ has the victory. I am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

I love you guys all so much, and I am sorry that I had kept this hidden from you. I still value all of you guys so greatly.

With love,

Lynnea

comin from the sunny west coast

Hey guys!


Update on me for anyone interested: I'm currently at home in Victoria, resting and letting myself be taken care of by the parentals. I've been here for exactly a week now, over Bcrest's modular/reading break. I was originally enrolled in a modular class for the week (World Religions with Tim Stabell!) but had to drop it due to concussion symptoms from getting hit during the Oh Sleeper concert at Youth Quake. I'm still not seeming to get much better very quickly. Like Anna, I'm finding it's pretty annoying since school requires my brain to be working a little better than it can at the moment. Concussions are cumulative I think and this is definitely not my first. So yeah, my body is being weird and my parents want me to stay home for a bit longer to rest up/possibly catch up on school. Prayer for healing would be awesome.


But I'm realizing that good health and good marks and playing basketball well aren't actually the epitomes of life. It's more about getting to know Jesus Christ better, it's about living in light of his Lordship, and exuding that divine light by loving and serving his people as part of the Church, his body. I'm sorry if that all sounds theological and abstract. To me, it's pretty practical. Not that I'm anywhere near good at any of it yet (even the last two months I've wrestled a lot with darkness/lies/deceit/self-degradation), but I desire to live this out by immersing myself in the Word (getting to know Christ, what his Lordship means), loving on the people placed in my life (for me right now, this should look much like building up the Church, since I do live in a place where most people are generally on the same page with the whole Christianity thing), and looking to sacrifice my lifestyle choices in order to further social justice (and man, I'm sucking at that one lately, not giving a rip about what I'm consuming or what it looks like to steward well my time/money/talents I've been privileged/gifted with).


Hahaha on the English essay I should be revising right now instead of writing on here, the comments by my professor centre around how I need to cut down on wordiness :P


On another note, I'm going to Hong Kong and Northern China this summer, along with possibly New Zealand and Thailand. I should probably figure it out pretty quickly here whether I'm doing the latter two or not – I hear the end of April is only like 5 weeks away or something? But yeah, the two for-sure trips - China is a full-credit course called Mandarin Chinese 3, and it looks like: 5 weeks at a University in Changchun, Jilin province learning more Mandarin, doing assignments and presentations, and tutoring some students in English. That's May 17-June 22. And then June 23-August 13 is teaching English to kids in a summer-camp style (ie. not so that they retain all the stuff we teach them, but rather to expose them to Canadian culture and native English speakers) at middle and high schools in Hong Kong. New Zealand would be a two-week pre-trip before China, and Thailand would be a 1.5 week post-trip after Hong Kong. I haven't thought a whole lot about any of this yet... it just seems so far in the future and not actually real.. but being committed to the point of having to pay 800 bucks if I back out it pretty dang real haha, and 7-8ish weeks is reeeeally soon...


Uhmmm what else is new... basketball ended a few weeks ago, TESOL at Bcrest is awesome (actually, Briercrest itself is the best... hint hint Bret), my brother just flew from the Philippians to South Korea (pretty exciting!), Saskatchewan winter has been super mild so far, and weather on the Van Island can NEVER legitimately be described as “cold” I've decided.


Also, I'd like to ask you guys to lift Anna Watts up in prayer. I don't actually know much about what's going on with her right now but it sounds like it's a really tough time. Please please join with me in praying for our sister, for physical and spiritual healing, and for life-giving freedom to consume her. Maybe even send her some lovin in a letter?


I'd also LOVE to hear from any of you anytime, how you're doing, what's been going on, how I can pray for you. Seriously. Facebook, skype, email, text...



-Meghan

The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. -Romans 13:12 ESV

some thoughts

hey dudes. here's something i wrote while i was up at mt washington a couple weeks ago on reading break. i meant to share it with you earlier but haven't gotten around to it til now. it still seems to express my dominating sentiments, so here we go.

my kaleo family,

i am currently up at mt washington with some of my coworkers for a couple of days this reading break. i have not had a more perfect day on the mountain than today, besides the times i spent with you all. can you believed our final retreat up here was almost a year go? that we were in india, argentina, vancouver and mexico a year ago? i can't believe it. it feels like it was yesterday. all this nostalgia is simply to illustrate how i was feeling on the slopes today: heavy, lonely, sad. and yet the sun was so bright, the snow was so soft. i didn't hurt myself, and i was with people i loved. but they weren't you, and i think that's why i was feeling so isolated. because none of you are here.

do you guys ever think about who you were a year ago? i do. last february i loved god so much. i knew him, i knew his voice. i understood his requirements of me and i felt cleaner, more pure. now i am dirty, but i have not given up. i am still searching. i miss the person i was when i was around you all though. my brothers and sisters; my family. it is unfair for us to have been so violently separated from each other.

i am still struggling with everyday life. the antidepressants don't help as much as i thought they would, though they strengthen me to put on my face and go to work or school. i have been going to yoga five to six days a week and am competing in the regional hatha yoga championships for the bishnu ghosh cup in two weeks (february 26). *sidenote - that was this past sunday and i got second place! i am going to nationals!* as a result of my training i have been feeling good physically, seeing that i am small and strong, seeing my strength and abilities in the mirror of the yoga room everyday and i'm proud of what my body can do. it is interesting being so absorbed into the yoga community as a person of faith. some know i am a christ follower and are very surprised. i become a sort of enigma to them. i drink wine and study nietzsche and practice yoga daily and try as best i can to love god. this is paradoxical to them. only a few know because i am afraid of their rejection should my pursuit of jesus be revealed. but then i think, they need to know, because then they will see that we're not all crazy! these are my daily musings in work and yoga and school - the three activities that fill up my days.

i am now full on in my philosophy program and am in love with it, thought it is academically very challenging and intellectually exhausting. i am learning about all sorts of incredible things and reading all sorts of incredible historical thinkers. in defence of the credibility of faith, i suggest you all read "the will to believe" by william james. he is a harvard professor and a pragmatist, so not a christian, but a believer in god. pragmatists basically state that belief in god is justified if it results in any sort of tangible benefits for the believer - be that optimism, hope, joy, peace, and so on. in other words, if the belief is pragmatic - practical, conducive to progress - then it is justified. this is a very attractive view to me, as i am an overly rational thinker. however, it has no respect for objective truth - which we are called to believe in - and therefore i must reject it. it also places the power/justification on the believer, not the one who is to be believed in. additionally it is simply a dangerous ideology to hold. anything can "work" if you force it to. however for those of you who are interested in apologetics i highly recommend james's "will to believe." while some of his views are a bit skewed, none of them come up in the article. he simply defends one's right to hold beliefs though there may be no worldly evidence.

anyway that was all to say when i finish my undergrad i am contemplating law school. i've been thinking lately about what kind of defence those imprisoned for their faith have. if there is a lawyer for the defence of those people, then i want to be that. but really any sort of advocate for the voiceless is attractive to me. i have been under the influence of a very sweet boy whose intent is to become a missionary by means of a degree in mechanical engineering, so he is able to build irrigation systems, etc., for developing communities. *ps he is my boyfriend ... HA!* his passion has inspired me to do something similar ... use my means and gifts to bring light into darkness. as i cannot even assemble ikea furniture, i have identified my strengths as being mainly intellectual: my ability to analyze, articulate and argue information that i am presented with. as such i would like to use these things to free the innocent. i really pray that my passion and motivation to pursue this career does not change.

in regards to briercrest next year: i am still working up the nerve to apply. *i'm having a phone conversation with wes about all of this tomorrow!* the thing is, i love learning in a secular environment. it forces me to do a lot of external research and learning; it forces me to learn how to reconcile the person of christ with the criticisms of clifford, freud, and hume. i am comfortable here. i live for free. i get good grades. i love my job. i love practicing hot yoga every day. i'm dating a cute boy. it's just easier.

me, me, me. i, i, i. what does god want? i ask, but i have yet to find the answer.

i guess i am mostly just writing to say that i love each of you and miss you terribly. you were all instrumental in turning my life around. no matter how much i mess up, or disobey, or forget, or ignore ... god has to be there. i am unable to stop my search for him, though i am tired and frustrated. it's impossible when you look out the window of your condo at mt washington and see the mountains hugged with snow, the peak of mt albert-edward that we never reached, the blue chairlift where we contemplated the big questions, the lodge where we ate and slept and yelled and cried and smiled. it is impossible for me to ever forget last year, though almost everyday, it feels like a dream, or part of a terribly distant past. i think that's because it's never talked about in my everyday life, so it feels like it's not there. it's a secret part of me i try to hide most days, the secret that i believe. it's waiting behind the puddles of booze and the clouds of sadness and self doubt. it's there, waiting to be refined. that gives me hope. hope is still there.

i would like to thank all of you for encouraging this hope in me, and for your patience and love. i love each and every one of you. remember:

our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

love,

b

oh boy oh boy.

Hmm, its been a crazy little while for me lately. As I let you guys know earlier I've been dating someone. His name is Colin. Its been really great, hard but great. Mostly my lack of ability to commit makes things kind of hard. He treats me well though and we challenge each other and compliments each other in a great way.

I got a tattoo at the beginning of february. Its the definition of honesty on my arm. I have the word fat carved into my bicep and now I have freedom from deceit tattooed on the same forearm. I love it a lot. Heres a photo. 

Um so on saturday I was in a pretty bad car accident. I was driving home from visiting my sister in ohio and I flipped my car twice then landed in oncoming traffic and then went into the ditch in the middle of the highway. It was really scary and I'm still pretty overwhelmed and shake by it. I walked away uninjured (Praise the lord!) but I've been pretty dizzy since. If you guys could be praying that I recover fully and am able to concentrate again that would be great... I have midterms this week and at this rate I'll fail all of them.

I love you all and miss you a lot. 

La-nay-nay and Turkey

Hello my family!

Well as per usual, I am giving you an update.

Right meow, I am uberly exhausted and drained, and on the verge of being sick -which is unfortunate especially because we have an RU bootcamp this weekend. Speaking of RU, it has been going great and we had our first 'ministry' occasion on Friday which was so crazy to see how the Lord works! There has also been a lot of drama going on as of late -which as you all know, I am not good with- so please be praying for that.

My main reason though for posting is.... I might be going to Turkey this summer again! I totally thought the Lord was telling me to work at camp again this summer and He was telling me to wait and be patient to do missions and such -He just loves to switch things up though. I was talking to a missions rep though today and it just seems too good to be true! It costs 1113-1500 (not including airfare though), and my options are either a dance ministry or a social justice/prostitution thing. So I don't know if this is what the Lord wants especially because it is right in the middle of camp season.... so ya. Please be praying for me in that!

Love you all and I think of you guys constantly, and please post, I want to hear about you too!

i should have wrote this before

Well a lot of you probably think i'm freezing my butt off in the prairies, but I'm not. These months at home have been all over the place. I've applied and withdrawn from two schools. I just have no idea what to do with my life. This will be quick. I decided to go to Briercrest and I was all ready to leave, but those plans have changed. I realize it was a rash, quick decision to go there. My reasoning was to have good community and I had connections there with courses and friends so I guess I thought it would be a quick fix to these lonely months at home. Anyways, when I was talking to Tim Stabell on the phone I just felt in my heart that it wasn't the right fit. All of a sudden I felt that it wasn't it. So I thought about it a little longer and decided it was best if I didn't go anywhere in January. I want to be out of the place I'm in, but it will have to wait a little longer. I think I know what kind of field I'm going go in. It wasn't offered at briercrest and I didn't want to go and start again if it didn't work out you know. But I'm going go for a child life specialist. Its where you work in a children's hospital and help children cope with illnesses they have. By showing them what is going on and talking to them about it. It will also deal with the parents and to inform them whats going on too. It will be more school but I think it will be worth it. Pray that where I will be in the next while will be a greenhouse for me. But yeah this post is to let you know that I won't be at Briercrest. Sorry for getting any ones hopes up! I want to come visit maybe. I vote we have a reunion at Mt washington.

Yes I got another tattoo

This will be all over the place because I haven't even had time to think about what's been going on with me but bear with me. Well I actually forgot about our blog I've been so busy. I thought I would update all of you on my life. After a long and difficult summer at camp, I moved to Fernie and have been living with my room mates Tyler and Patrick. I worked at Canadian tire for about 6 days and quit...surprise! I now work at the Ski Hill as a liftie and recently got a new job working 3 nights a week at a coffee shop. It has been very difficult this year for me. I have screwed up so much which was unenviable. It's hard being in a town where all people ever do is go to bars drinking. I've been caught up in that a couple times but have been pretty good about it lately. I just get so confused and feel so judged because my Christian group of friends because lots of my them go out drinking all the time. When im with them they are happy with me and think im alright. But when I go out with my non christian friends they think something is totally wrong and give me judging eyes. None of my friends at the hill know I'm Christian because I don't want to give Christians a bad name.

Since I've been screwing up a lot these past few months, I have just gotten so down and cant seem to get out of this depression and can't stop beating myself up for it. I stopped taking my depression meds in Kaleo and think I should start them up again. Everyone keeps telling me im "Living the dream" I get to snowboard everyday at work and live 15 min from the hill. I get 3 days off a week and I went to Hawaii for Christmas and I have great friends. Although all of these things are awesome, I don't feel awesome. I feel like a complete loser and sleaze bag. I cant seem to hold on to relationships of any kind without screwing something up. I'm such a mess and I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I have people I can talk to but I can't be bothered to approach them and when they ask me how they can help me, I have no idea how they can help me. It would be nice to have someone just genuinely ask how I'm doing and see that they really do care, but everyone is always so busy.

I dont want to be around anything to do with Christian Community. I spend a lot of time with Jesus on my own, but can't stand it when other people are around. I don't like my church and couldn't be bothered to pay attention any more. I have basically just stopped going. I have the chance to go to Bible studies but turn down any offer. I think I'm just frustrated but I don't know with what.

As of my plans for next year, I have a lot of Ideas. My parents dont want me to do YWAM in NZ. I understand their reasoning behind not wanting me to go away again. I have to raise all the money myself which is fine. I cant seem to get much money saved up for ywam though and have to decide between going to school for Fine Arts in Calgary or hope that i will get enough money before june 24th. I know God can do big things but I just feel like either option would be the right choice. Im getting no direction right now.

There is much more going on but that is all i can be bothered to write for today because I'm sick. Im back at home in Calgary to escape and get rest.

I love you all dearly and hope to hear from you all soon.

Beloved Jordana

SINGLE 4 LYFFE.

I wasn't gunna post cause I usually only post when I'm sad but I figured I would let you all know that I'm dating someone...