some thoughts

hey dudes. here's something i wrote while i was up at mt washington a couple weeks ago on reading break. i meant to share it with you earlier but haven't gotten around to it til now. it still seems to express my dominating sentiments, so here we go.

my kaleo family,

i am currently up at mt washington with some of my coworkers for a couple of days this reading break. i have not had a more perfect day on the mountain than today, besides the times i spent with you all. can you believed our final retreat up here was almost a year go? that we were in india, argentina, vancouver and mexico a year ago? i can't believe it. it feels like it was yesterday. all this nostalgia is simply to illustrate how i was feeling on the slopes today: heavy, lonely, sad. and yet the sun was so bright, the snow was so soft. i didn't hurt myself, and i was with people i loved. but they weren't you, and i think that's why i was feeling so isolated. because none of you are here.

do you guys ever think about who you were a year ago? i do. last february i loved god so much. i knew him, i knew his voice. i understood his requirements of me and i felt cleaner, more pure. now i am dirty, but i have not given up. i am still searching. i miss the person i was when i was around you all though. my brothers and sisters; my family. it is unfair for us to have been so violently separated from each other.

i am still struggling with everyday life. the antidepressants don't help as much as i thought they would, though they strengthen me to put on my face and go to work or school. i have been going to yoga five to six days a week and am competing in the regional hatha yoga championships for the bishnu ghosh cup in two weeks (february 26). *sidenote - that was this past sunday and i got second place! i am going to nationals!* as a result of my training i have been feeling good physically, seeing that i am small and strong, seeing my strength and abilities in the mirror of the yoga room everyday and i'm proud of what my body can do. it is interesting being so absorbed into the yoga community as a person of faith. some know i am a christ follower and are very surprised. i become a sort of enigma to them. i drink wine and study nietzsche and practice yoga daily and try as best i can to love god. this is paradoxical to them. only a few know because i am afraid of their rejection should my pursuit of jesus be revealed. but then i think, they need to know, because then they will see that we're not all crazy! these are my daily musings in work and yoga and school - the three activities that fill up my days.

i am now full on in my philosophy program and am in love with it, thought it is academically very challenging and intellectually exhausting. i am learning about all sorts of incredible things and reading all sorts of incredible historical thinkers. in defence of the credibility of faith, i suggest you all read "the will to believe" by william james. he is a harvard professor and a pragmatist, so not a christian, but a believer in god. pragmatists basically state that belief in god is justified if it results in any sort of tangible benefits for the believer - be that optimism, hope, joy, peace, and so on. in other words, if the belief is pragmatic - practical, conducive to progress - then it is justified. this is a very attractive view to me, as i am an overly rational thinker. however, it has no respect for objective truth - which we are called to believe in - and therefore i must reject it. it also places the power/justification on the believer, not the one who is to be believed in. additionally it is simply a dangerous ideology to hold. anything can "work" if you force it to. however for those of you who are interested in apologetics i highly recommend james's "will to believe." while some of his views are a bit skewed, none of them come up in the article. he simply defends one's right to hold beliefs though there may be no worldly evidence.

anyway that was all to say when i finish my undergrad i am contemplating law school. i've been thinking lately about what kind of defence those imprisoned for their faith have. if there is a lawyer for the defence of those people, then i want to be that. but really any sort of advocate for the voiceless is attractive to me. i have been under the influence of a very sweet boy whose intent is to become a missionary by means of a degree in mechanical engineering, so he is able to build irrigation systems, etc., for developing communities. *ps he is my boyfriend ... HA!* his passion has inspired me to do something similar ... use my means and gifts to bring light into darkness. as i cannot even assemble ikea furniture, i have identified my strengths as being mainly intellectual: my ability to analyze, articulate and argue information that i am presented with. as such i would like to use these things to free the innocent. i really pray that my passion and motivation to pursue this career does not change.

in regards to briercrest next year: i am still working up the nerve to apply. *i'm having a phone conversation with wes about all of this tomorrow!* the thing is, i love learning in a secular environment. it forces me to do a lot of external research and learning; it forces me to learn how to reconcile the person of christ with the criticisms of clifford, freud, and hume. i am comfortable here. i live for free. i get good grades. i love my job. i love practicing hot yoga every day. i'm dating a cute boy. it's just easier.

me, me, me. i, i, i. what does god want? i ask, but i have yet to find the answer.

i guess i am mostly just writing to say that i love each of you and miss you terribly. you were all instrumental in turning my life around. no matter how much i mess up, or disobey, or forget, or ignore ... god has to be there. i am unable to stop my search for him, though i am tired and frustrated. it's impossible when you look out the window of your condo at mt washington and see the mountains hugged with snow, the peak of mt albert-edward that we never reached, the blue chairlift where we contemplated the big questions, the lodge where we ate and slept and yelled and cried and smiled. it is impossible for me to ever forget last year, though almost everyday, it feels like a dream, or part of a terribly distant past. i think that's because it's never talked about in my everyday life, so it feels like it's not there. it's a secret part of me i try to hide most days, the secret that i believe. it's waiting behind the puddles of booze and the clouds of sadness and self doubt. it's there, waiting to be refined. that gives me hope. hope is still there.

i would like to thank all of you for encouraging this hope in me, and for your patience and love. i love each and every one of you. remember:

our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

love,

b