Freedom.

Hey guys (yes, another update from me, but I just can't hold it in! I need to speak of the Lord's goodness!)
So, remember way back when we were at Mt. Washington almost a year ago? Remember how I had chosen the name Freedom? Well, it has happened. I am free.

Free from what you may ask, and that is what I am here to tell you about -prepare yourself, this isn't necessarily a very light subject and I am going to jump right into it. So beginning at a young age I began to develop the habit of masturbation, I can't necessarily pin-point when it started but I now it was pretty young. So as I got older -probably my pre-teens- I learned what I was doing, and I started to feel guilt about it, I figured out it was wrong. But you see, I was alone in this struggle. I had heard of guys struggling with this but a girl? Absurd. I knew it was 'disgusting', I knew it sinful and I knew it was looked down upon, that is what kept me from speaking out. How could I say anything if I knew people would judge me? I would cry out to God to help me from this mess, I didn't want it, but I would keep falling back into it. I came to the point that I would feel numb. I would do it and then I couldn't even provoke in me conviction anymore. I knew it had gone too far. All this time that I was crying out to God you know what He told me? To tell someone, but I refused. I didn't want to be judged, another lie from Satan.

So I went on in life, living two lives. A 'good Christian girl' and then in private behind the closed doors of my room, I masturbated. I was disgusted with myself and what I had become. During camp I had met Jahnaya Cey -who did Kaleo 5- and she had recommended a book to me calledEvery Young Woman's Battle just because she loved it so much. So I read it, and there was one chapter within called Fueling Your Own Fire, it was about masturbation, with testimonies of other girls. It was good to know I was not alone but the Devil was still feeding me lies, and I felt like those girls in that chapter were rarities. In some ways though it made me feel more hopeless. How was I ever going to tell my future husband this and for him to still love me? I knew what I was doing was just causing more harm and hurt for whoever the Lord intended for me in the future, I was disrespecting my husband and I had not even met him yet.
Many years past, and then Kaleo came. I told myself I would quit before Kaleo and for awhile I was doing good but then I fell once again. I was struggling so much. And here we come full circle. At this point, not a soul knew of my deep and dark secret, and the Lord gave me courage to ask for Freedom, freedom from sin in my life. After that our wonderful female intern (Janet) approached me about it, wondering if I wanted to talk about this freedom from sin. This was my chance. Finally, on the last day the Lord gave me courage to talk to her, and it was incredible. Janet was so encouraging and wasn't condemning at all. Ever since that day I have been on a journey of freedom with the Lord.

So as I got to Briercrest this year, I planned on being in TESOL and due to the business of it, I decided that as much as I thought Refined Undignified was sweet, I wouldn't even try out. But I went to the Secrets show RU put on for the Freshmen. As I watched the show the character I related to the most was a guy, Jesse. His story dealt with pornography and the things that come along with that. I came to that point again, even though I was hopeful in the fact that other people struggled with it, I was a girl. It was a guys' problem. Through God's providence though I became a part of the RU college team -which is another story in itself.

In RU we have a show called Secrets -which I mentioned above-, where members of the team share their 'secrets' and testimony through dance. The Lord was telling me to share, so I submitted my 'secret' via e-mail to Adrian -our RU director. I remember while typing it and after I sent it I was crying hysterically, but it was a good crying. Another step towards freedom. I remember after stepping into the shower shaking and just realizing that Satan had been telling me so many lies, and I had believed them, but no longer. So, it came to that my story was decided to become a part of the Secrets RU show, me, along with two of my brothers on the team, share similar stories and it has been incredible to walk beside them and seeing the impact of all three stories together have in this show. I remember the first time we performed this show for the public, I did not feel an ounce of shame. I felt freedom, true freedom and I bawled with joy behind stage. I had gone public, no turning back. Tonight we performed this show for the first time here at Caronport in front of our peers, family and friends. The crazy thing for me is I am not a bit ashamed for "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). It boggles my human mind that I am publicly declaring this and not an inch of guilt from my past actions or that shame. All of this is just testimony to the Lord's goodness and grace in my life, I would never have suspected for the Lord to bring me down such a path, never. A year ago not a soul knew about it, and now I am publicly declaring it! Praise God! Another crazy fact? I am not alone, even as a female, I have encountered females with this same struggle, it is just another lie from Satan that only guys struggle with this. At this point, I haven't for three months, but please be constantly be praying for me because it is a hard battle and it is so easy to fall if I don't let Christ have control -but Christ has the victory. I am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

I love you guys all so much, and I am sorry that I had kept this hidden from you. I still value all of you guys so greatly.

With love,

Lynnea